Baka Senshi Sailor Earth!
by diamonddust131
Summary: All Mamoru Chiba ever wanted to be was a Sailor Senshi, yet he was always held back because he was a man and because people figured he wouldn't look cute in a skirt! However, a chance encounter with Luna will change his destiny forever! Now, witness his rebirth! Witness the birth of Manami Chiba, Codenamed: Sailor Earth! The Solar System will never be the same again!
1. Act 1

DISCLAIMER: This story is for humor purposes only. It is NOT meant to be taken seriously, nor is it a serious attempt at adding to Sailor Moon lore. I was really bored and possibly high when I was writing it, but please, do enjoy! I will not be held accountable for any mad behavior generated from the reading of this tale.

Act 1: Mamoru - Baka Earth

Within the confines of his heart, Mamoru Chiba held a terrible, dark secret. If anyone ever found out, he was certain it would all be over for him. How then? How could he ever go about telling someone of its existence? Would he be forced to just keep it to himself? This...**thing** of his felt too big to remain cooped up inside of him forever. Even thinking about sitting on it quietly, like he had for the first nineteen years of his worthless existence, made frustration rise up inside of him, for he wondered if it would ever be known.

No.

He wouldn't wait any longer. He couldn't. There was no way he could allow this to become a dream deferred, for what Mamoru wanted was quite simple.

He wished with all his heart and all his being to become a Sailor Senshi.

Yes, a Sailor Senshi, just like Usagi Tsukino and the others. He knew how silly it sounded, how everyone would no doubt laugh themselves to death over it if he ever told them, but why? Why couldn't he be one too?! Why was that proposition so ridiculous?! So what you had to be a girl to be one?! So what he so happened to be the reincarnation of Prince Endymion?! So what his legs were so hairy, he could be confused for a Sasquatch from the waist down?! His mind was already made up. He would be a Sailor Senshi and he would be be damned if someone were to stop him! But how? Yes, how would he be able to make his secret, but ever pressing dream come true?

"How indeed," he thought, sitting in his dimly lit bedroom in total thought.

Turning his head, his weary eyes blankly stared at a box possessing a black tuxedo and some other knick knacks he no longer held any love for.

Tuxedo Mask.

It was the name of his alter ego, the identity he would assume when assisting the Sailor Senshi in their many battles. Something about that name at the moment though made him want to hurl chunks. Who was Tuxedo Mask? Certainly not a Sailor Senshi, that was for sure. Sighing, Mamoru understood now that it was nothing more than a cheap imitation of one; something that came close, but paled in the face of the real thing. The costume and the name were merely medicine he had used to numb the pain, to mask his true feelings, but no more. No, he no longer wished to be Tuxedo Mask, but something more, something better. But...how?

"How indeed," he muttered again, now standing and marching over to his window. Outside, a group of giggling school girls were walking past his place of residence. The mere sight of them made him growl in anger. How he envied them and their ability to wear a sailor uniform without mockery. "Just look at those skirts. I would give up anything in the world just to wear one of those once."

Yes, he could imagine it now: his furry legs dancing gracefully behind the frills and bright color of a nice skirt. It would be the most beautiful sight in the world. The more he fantasized about it, the more his heart burned for it to be reality. Suddenly slamming his fist against his window and scaring the same gaggle of females below, he nodded to himself.

"I don't care what it takes! I'm going to be a Sailor Senshi even if it kills me!"

If only it were that easy. Calming, he tapped his fingers against his chin, even more perplexed as to how he would accomplish becoming a Sailor Senshi. It certainly couldn't have been as easy as slapping on a tuxedo or throwing a few roses here or there. No, this would require effort, complete determination. He would have to put on his 'try hard hat', his 'big boy pants', and figure something out.

"Perhaps Usagi would have idea," he told himself. "No. She would probably laugh at me too or think that this was some jest! No, someone other that that odango-headed fool! Think, Mamoru, think!"

Maybe one of the moon cats would be lead him to the answers he so desperately sought after. There certainly was no harm in asking one of them and so, Mamoru Chiba grabbed his things and prepared to locate his potential savior, steadfast in his quest to become a Sailor Senshi.

He just knew he would look fantastic in one of those skirts.

* * *

"Moon Tiara...ACTION!"

With a single toss of her tiara, Sailor Moon destroyed the ugly Youma that strangely resembled a giant chicken in front of her. It released one final, "BGWAK!" before bursting into flames. Ruffled feathers and the smell of chicken wafted throughout, making one Sailor Moon insatiably famished.

"Dammit. Usagi-chan got **another** one," muttered Sailor Jupiter, as she let out an exasperated sigh. "Yet, **we're** the ones that always do all the work, just so she can finish 'em off! It's **always** like this too! Look at me! I'm **exhausted** right now. I had to go all Greek god on that darn Youma, not to mention the fact I had to shoot out of my house for this while I was cooking, so I didn't even get to turn the gas off on my stove! My apartment is probably in flames right now, but is **my** name on the cover of this damn thing?! I don't think so! What a load of crap! Why not at least _Sailor Moon and Friends_, or _Sailor Moon and Co._?! I tell you, I'm getting pretty sick of this crap happening every time we fight a stupid monster!"

If Sailor Moon had been paying attention to her compatriot's rant, it was hard to tell, since she was far too busy picking at the remains of the chicken Youma to see if it was edible.

"I know what you mean. Just look at that idiot," said Sailor Mars, snarling. "All she does is shout, cry, and eat and somehow, **she's** the one who gets all the attention! Maybe one of us might have wanted a shot with Mamoru too! Listen, I say we take her down while no one's looking and claim the lead role for ourselves! Nobody would even miss her! Well, except maybe Mamoru. And her family. And maybe a few friends from school..."

"Usagi-chan always copies my homework too! She doesn't even pay me anymore like she used to either!" Sailor Mercury declared, pulling out a switchblade. "I slit her throat, you two make it look like an accident. Deal?"

Before the mutinous Senshi could carry out their plan, Luna the cat landed in front of them, shooting each of them a glare that suggested she had overheard them and that they could shove that knife somewhere the sun don't shine.

"Oh, fatsawprunar?" said Sailor Moon between bites of fried chicken.

Luna raised an eyebrow. "Uh...h-hi, Usagi-chan. I see you've all taken care of that Youma. Good work, everyone!"

Sailors Mars, Jupiter, and Mercury gave a less that emphatic, "Yay." in response.

"Er...alright. By the way, Usagi-chan, what in the world are you eating?"

"Chwichken!" cried Sailor Moon before choking on the meat.

"If you'll all excuse me," stated Rei Hino, transforming back to normal. "I have to be kidnapped by my father in about twenty five minutes...again. And you just know how I'd hate to be late for **that**."

Returning to her normal self as well, Makoto Kino added, "Yeah, and I have to chase after some boy that looks somewhat like my Senpai from my other school that I've vaguely described all these times."

"And I..." Ami Mizuno started.

"Nobody cares," Rei stated.

Ami, wanting to protest, merely frowned and pulled out a rather large encyclopedia to read before storming off. The others followed suit, leaving Usagi and Luna by their lonesome.

"...Seriously, Usagi-chan. Put down the chicken, you don't know where it's been," Luna suggested.

The prospect of parting with food was too much for Usagi to bear, so she shoved even more of the deceased Youma into her talk hole before Luna could nag her some more. Naturally, the sheer amount of food she was practically inhaling caused her to vomit uncontrollably, in a projectile fashion no less. Chicken bits, odangos, and what Luna could only presume was the remains of human finger sprayed all over the place, not to mention all over the cat's black fur. Looking like a scene from a horror movie, this display kept up for a number of minutes, so long, Luna wondered if Usagi's liver weren't amongst the remains her of lunches. Finally, and mostly once Luna was the color of everything spewed around her, Usagi finished.

"Ha, I threw up **a lot**!" she exclaimed.

"You don't say," replied Luna. She was tempted to throw up herself, but held it in. "I-I was coming here to tell you that...I think your boyfriend is...stalking me..."

Without warning, Usagi smashed her foot down on an unsuspecting Luna, with blood spraying everywhere.

"U-Usagi...chan...w-why?!" cried Luna, while she hacked up her own spleen.

"Are you after my man, you furry bitch?!" Usagi snatched the twitching kitty off the ground and began shaking her violently, enough so that black patches of her flew off the cat here and there. "I've seen you eying Mamoru as of late, but...!"

"N-No, Usagi-chan! I'm serious! He's been following me around **everywhere**! L-Look, there he is now!"

From behind a corner, a head that looked strangely similar to Mamoru Chiba's quickly shot out of sight. Luna and Usagi squinted at it and eventually, Mamoru himself appeared from behind the cover of a rather large and round woman.

"I am **not** a brick wall, young man! Hide behind something else!"

Mamoru replied, "Well, you could have fooled me."

The one thing Mamoru was not fooled about was the heavy purse that nearly split his head open on impact. Having successfully KOed her opponent, the hefty woman waddled off triumphantly into the sunset.

"Mamo-chan, are you dead?" said Usagi, poking her boyfriend's twitching body.

"N-No, Usako! I can't die! Not until my dream is realized!"

Even with blood leaking off his face, Mamoru looked radiant, even more so than Usagi was accustomed too. She tried embracing her lover, but was shoved to the side the moment Mamoru laid eyes on a trembling Luna.

"C-Can I help you?" she asked, wishing he would stop smiling at her in such a demented fashion.

"I WANNA BE A SAILOR SENSHI! MAKE ME A SAILOR SENSHI! I WANNA I WANNA I WANNNAAAAAAAA!"

"You wanna **what**?!"

Luna was rendered speechless. There was no doubt she and Usagi had been shaken greatly by Mamoru's abrupt deceleration, so much so that Usagi let out a long belch of shock. Then again, Luna was certain it was most likely heartburn.

"So, can I be a Sailor Senshi?" inquired Mamoru with a grin.

"A-Aren't you already Tuxedo Mask?" Luna started. "N-No, that's not the point! Why in the world would you want to be a Sailor Senshi of all things?! You're Tuxedo Mask! You're **Prince Endymion**! You're a **man**!"

With a blank expression, Mamoru simply responded, "...So?"

"I don't get why Mamo-chan wants to be a Sailor Senshi either," Usagi said between bites. "I mean, aren't you already one?

"Huh?"

"Aren't you Sailor Pluto? We all just assumed you were Sailor Pluto in drag, Mamo-chan! I mean, you two look the same and..."

"Why the **hell **would you think I was Setsuna?!"

Usagi had to think for a moment. "I dunno. We've just never seen you two together in the same place. Ever. Plus, I've seen all that green hair dye and makeup at your house and..."

Mamoru hastily shot over to Usagi to cover her mouth. "B-Be quiet! I'm **not** Sailor Pluto! Why would I be asking to be a Sailor Senshi if I was?!"

"Why are you asking to be a Sailor Senshi at all?!" Luna demanded.

"I think Mamo-chan would look good in a skirt!" said Usagi.

"THANK YOU!" cried Mamoru. "That's what I was thinking!"

Luna yelled, "T-That's not the issue here!"

This wasn't happening. Luna closed her eyes and repeated to herself that this wasn't happening. Around her, the Prince of Earth was asking if he could dawn a sailor uniform and become a Sailor Senshi, while the Princess of the Moon Kingdom was busy picking off the remains of a Youma like she were some vulture. How had things come to this? What would Queen Serenity say to her if she were made witness to these two buffoons Luna was supposed to be watching after? Even the cat's stomach was beginning to grumble with disappointment.

"No, I-I think I'm going to be..."

Too late. What Luna coughed up definitively wasn't a hairball, considering it was glowing brighter than the Star of Bethlehem. Everyone present shielded their eyes, as the thing or whatever it was rose high into the air, finally landing in Mamoru's open palms.

"It's a...pen?" he inquired.

Not just any old pen either, but a **gold** pen possessing a symbol on top shaped like a cross surrounded by a circle: the astrological symbol for Earth. For a few seconds, no one said anything, and there was complete silent, save for Usagi's gassy belly.

"Is this a..."

"A **transformation pen**?!" exclaimed Luna, finishing Mamoru's sentence.

"Well, would you look at that! Haha, thanks, Luna! Now, my dream can come true!"

"B-But...I didn't **do** anything! This doesn't make any sense! Where the heck did that thing come from anyway and why did I throw it up?! I-I just assumed your stupidity was making me sick to my stomach!"

"Alright! Let me try this thing out!"

Luna shook her head. "I-It doesn't even matter! Even if you have that thing, you have to be a girl to...!"

Almost as if replying to her disbelief, a beam of light suddenly erupted from the crescent on Luna's forehead, showering Mamoru within it. The black cat figured she should have been more baffled by what happened next, yet at this point, she was ready for anything.

"M-Mamo-chan?" asked Usagi, slanting her head.

Instead of Mamoru Chiba, there stood the most beautiful woman Usagi had ever seen in his place. Adorned in ankle length white boots, a short white skirt, a black halter top, and a dazzling set of diamond earrings, the girl looked something like a pop star.

"What?" the girl said honestly.

"M-Mamoru?" Luna hesitantly walked forward, not wanting to take any chances. "Mamoru, is that you?"

"Of course it's me, Luna. Why the heck are you ask..." the girl stopped. "W-Why the heck is my voice so high?! I didn't even huff any helium today!"

The first place the girl checked was her bust and man, was she well endowed. Next, her hands passed across her thin, coke bottle waist, then making their way down her tight bottom. Strangely, Usagi found herself aroused by watching this.

"I'm a girl..." the girl who was apparently Mamoru muttered. "I'm a girl..."

Luna echoed him. "I-I guess you are, Mamoru. I-I'm sorry. I don't know why..."

"...Well...ALRIGHT!" Mamoru cried, as she jumped around for joy.

"...Of course he would just be okay with this..."

"Haha! Well, Luna, will I have any problems transforming **now**?!"

Luna covered her aching head. "Please don't talk to me right now."

"Luna, how did you do all that?!" cried Usagi.

"Please don't, Usagi-chan. Please don't remind me that this is somehow my fault!"

"B-But, this **is** your fault! You gave him that pen and turned him into a girl and...!"

"USAGI-CHAN, SHUT UP!"

"Hey Luna, since Mamo-chan's a girl now, doesn't that make me a lesbian?"

Luna choked on what this time she was certain was not a hairball.

* * *

After everyone finished up the meaningless crap they usually attended to, they decided to meet up at the Hirakawa Shrine like always, except today, there was an extra amongst Usagi, Rei, Ami, and Makoto in Rei's room. The latter three found their gaze fixed to the strange, unfamiliar girl sitting across from them that for some reason was finding the prospect of touching herself all over too alluring to pass up.

"Wow! I gotta saying, having boobs is pretty cool! I was really missing out!" said the girl formerly known as Mamoru Chiba. "You guys wanna feel?! They're really soft!"

"I-I'll pass," said Rei, shaking her head. "Who...are you exactly?"

"Yeah, Usagi-chan, I don't think it's a good idea to be bringing random people to our meetings like this," said Makoto.

Usagi replied, "But this **isn't** a random girl! It's **Mamo-chan**!"

Rei and Makoto allowed themselves to absorb the information like a sponge before reacting.

"...You wanna repeat that?" said Rei in a horrified whisper.

Mamoru pointed to himself. "I'm...Mamoru. I thought that was obvious by my swagger and charm."

Makoto jumped to her feet and grabbed Mamoru by the shoulder. "Is that really you, Mamoru?! Are you cosplaying as Sailor Pluto again or something?!"

"T-That's not important!" Mamoru interjected quickly. "What **is** important is **this**!"

With pride, lady Mamoru pulled out the gold Transformation Pen for all to behold. In unison, Rei, Makoto, and Ami uttered, "Oooooooooooh!" and its sparkly glory. Luna, who was sitting nearby with an ice pack on her head, instead groaned.

"Thank you, thank you!" said Mamoru, putting the pen back in her pocket.

"You know, even after having becoming Sailor Senshi and learning of our past lives, not to mention having to deal with Queen Beryl and all those other cliché villains we had to beat, this is still the strangest thing I've ever seen," chimed Makoto.

Rei turned to Luna. "What's going on?! Why does **he** have a Transformation Pen of all things?! And why the hell is he a **girl** now?!"

"Please, don't talk to me right now," said Luna wearily. "I have a massive headache right now and the last thing I need to think about is Mamoru having a vagina."

The sound of someone chewing on something shifted everyone's attention to Usagi, who had pulled out a bucket of chicken from what the others could only assume was her ass.

"Does anyone want some? I brought some home from that Youma earlier!" she explained.

"Shouldn't you have more important things to worry about, Usagi-chan?! I mean, how can you even eat at a time like this?!" yelled Makoto.

"But it's rotisserie style!"

"A-Are you serious?! Your fucking boyfriend's a **girl**, you idiot!"

Usagi paused before adding, "But Mako-chan...**rotisserie style**!"

It looked as if Makoto wanted to hit Usagi with all of her might for a moment, but she managed to restrain herself. ...Somehow.

"And you, Mamoru, you're okay with this too?" asked Rei.

The goofy expression Mamoru was giving her was more than enough of an answer.

"You know..." Ami began. "This particular instance is similar to something I read in a book one time. In there, the person..."

"Nobody cares, Ami!" yelled Rei, smacking the book in question out of Ami's grasp.

"O-Okay..." Ami curled into a ball and sniffled a couple of times.

"Mamo-chan needs a new name now!" said Usagi out of the blue.

"W-Why do you say that?" asked Rei, who handed Usagi a napkin, as chicken guts and blood were dripping down her face. "What's wrong with the name he...er...she already has?"

"Well, he's a girl now, so he needs a new name."

"I-I still don't understand..."

"What about Mariko?" said a now relaxed Makoto, who had apparently already excepted things for what they were.

"I like Kyoko...better," chimed Rei unconsciously, blushing a little at her own input.

This time, Mamoru jumped in. "What about Makoto?! I think that's a...!"

The **real** Makoto grabbed a nearby chair and promptly cracked it over Mamoru's skull. "That's **my **name, you idiot..."

"Oh...yeah. Well, I can't think of anything else then," said Mamoru, ignoring the trail of blood gushing down her face.

Luna wanted to mention how much she thought 'Dumbass' was a really fitting name, though she kept her thoughts to herself.

A tiny voice then said, "W-What about...Manami?"

Everyone faced Ami, as she quickly hid her head behind her book, expecting to be yelled at again. Instead, the others began to mumble on how good a name it was.

"Manami!" Mamoru exclaimed. "I like it! Okay, I'll be Manami then! Manami Chiba!"

"Yeah, if anyone asks, we'll just say you're Mamoru's long lost sister," said Makoto sarcastically.

"That's a good idea!" Usagi added, completely missing the joke.

"I really do like that name! It's...!" Rei caught herself mid sentence. "Wait, why the hell am I just as excited as you clowns?! This is still a ridiculous situation! Instead of us trying to rename Mamoru or Manami or whatever, shouldn't we be figuring out a way to turn her back into a boy?! Luna, whadya you think?"

Not much evidently. Rei received three claw marks across her face and Luna went back to muttering something about everyone being 'idiots.'

"Never mind then," said Rei, sighing.

"I'm glad you all like the name because this book says..."

"Shaddap, Ami-chan! No one cares!" Makoto interrupted.

"O-Oh...a-alright," stated Ami in a nearly inaudible rustle.

Makoto, grabbing one of Usagi's chicken wings, said, "I'm with Rei though. This is kinda stupid. I mean, won't this just cause confusion...everywhere? What about your school, Mamoru? Or **anything** that's in your name? How are you even going to explain this to your parents? Your friends? Your university? The **government**?! TO SCIENCE?!"

"You're just jealous, Makoto," said the newly christened Manami suddenly.

Makoto's eyelid jerked a few times in response. "...Excuse me?"

"You're just jealous of the new and improved Mamoru Chiba. It's **so** obvious!"

This time around, Makoto got to her feet and stared Manami dead in the face. "You wanna say that again, doll face?"

"Haha, I knew it! Look! I'm prettier, shapelier, and I even have more 'talent' than you! No wonder you want me to return to being a boring, brestless guy!"

Oh, she had 'talent' alright. Probably the most 'talent' in the room in fact. Manami proudly held out her 'talents' and even Makoto was left breathless for a moment.

"T-Tch! No way! Everyone here know **I** have the most 'talent'!"

Not one to sit idly by a let others 'talents' outshine her own, an irate Makoto stuck out her own 'talent' and before long, she and Manami were pressing their 'talents' against each others for comparison.

"Is anyone else getting turned on by this?" said Usagi innocently.

Rei palmed her hand across her face. "First Mamoru becomes a woman, then Usagi becomes a lesbian. Could today get any worse?!"

"I've got more 'talent' that you, Makoto, in my left...!"

"I'd hate to interrupt you, Mamoru or Manami or whatever," said Luna, although it was clear she was more than happy to. "But everyone, another Youma has just shown up in the downtown area!"

Those were the magic words Manami wanted to hear. "Yosh! This is my chance! Alright, I'm probably going to need to take some birth control first, then put in a tampon, but after that, we'll go get that Youma!"

Again, Makoto felt the inexplicable urge the slap this shit out of someone, but once again found the inner strength to hold it in.

"Who's sending all these monsters, Luna?" asked Rei.

"Is it Queen Beryl?" asked Usagi.

"It's gotta be the Black Moon Clan," chimed Makoto.

"Ali and En?" inquired Ami timidly.

Luna rolled her eyes. "I don't know or care who it is! Just get out of here and go kill it, you imbeciles! It would give me a few minutes of silence at least! Sheesh!"

No one dared messed with mad pussy when it was in a mood like this, so everyone save for Ami hastily piled out of the room and into the city. Noticing the one lagging behind, Luna squinted her eyes at her.

"And what are **you** still doing here?" she said sharply.

Ami gulped. "I-I just wanted to study up a bit since we don't know who the enemy is this time. I think it's better to be prepared when facing..."

"GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE AMI-IIIIIIIIII-I!"

A loud shriek echoed through Hirakawa Shrine and Rei's grandfather, who was sweeping outside, was startled enough by it that he nearly tripped over himself.

"W-What in the world was that dark aura I sensed there for a moment?!" he inquired.

* * *

The Sailor Senshi plus Mamoru/Manami arrived in the downtown area of town to find the usual running, screaming, and destruction that usually went on around that area. The sole difference this time around was that there was a Youma making it happen. Like always, the police were being totally ineffective in dispatching the monster, being slaughtered left and right, and it would no doubt come down to a bunch of fourteen year olds to save the day.

"Azabu-Juuban district. You'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy."

"...What the hell are you talking about, Usagi?" Rei asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Just ignore her," said Makoto, somewhat exhaustedly. "Let's take care of this first."

"Its just been revoked!" Usagi then proclaimed.

Everyone looked to Ami for clarification. "S-She's trying out random movie one liners again. Just leave her be. She'll run out of some to say after a bit."

"Luke, I am your Father!"

"Someone, please save me!"

"What movie quote is that?" asked Makoto.

Usagi replied, "I...didn't say that one..."

A rather large woman, a rather familiar and large woman, suddenly rushed up to Manami, begging and pleading with her to save her life.

"H-Hey! You're that lady that hit me with the purse earlier!"

"Whatever do you mean?! Please, you have to...!"

"JUDO CHOP!"

The woman toppled onto the ground upon being struck by Manami's swift and devastating attack. A small tremor shook the ground for a second, strangely at the same moment the hefty women impacted it, but the others simply assumed the Youma must have been the cause.

"W-Where is the Youma? I don't see it," said Usagi.

"MOO-OOOOOOOOOO-O!"

The thing or object that had made that sound was unmistakably a cow. Why a farm animal would be here of all places, however, the Sailor Senshi had no idea. That was, until they saw **it**. **It** was no ordinary cow, but a bipedal one with a pair of sharp horns jutting out of its cranium, a gold ring hanging from its nose, and bizarrely, a pair of baggy black pants. What a bipedal cow would need with pants, the girls didn't know, especially when all its udders were still sticking out, bending the slacks in an odd way.

"...You've got to be kidding me," uttered Rei, face palming again. "I thought the giant chicken earlier was silly, but now this is getting ridiculous!"

Usagi replied, "Huh? But I thought you said you liked big cock, Rei?"

A couple of snorts and chuckles sounded from the others behind Rei.

"...I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that, Usagi..." she growled.

"T-That is a cow, right?" asked Makoto, pointing. "I mean, he has horns..."

"But he has udders too..." said Ami.

Usagi then said, "I don't care what it is, as long as it's edible!"

The cow/bull/whatever thing spotted them before letting out a triumphant moo in their direction, nearly blowing them all back in the process. One of it's eyelids then began jerking around like the creature was strung out on too much crack cocaine. Actually, it **was** strung out on crack cocaine.

Ami said, "W-Well, at least it doesn't look that strong. Maybe..."

"Falcon Punch!" Manami punched Ami square in the jaw and took her spot. She then grabbed her Transformation Pen. "I'll handle this one, ladies!"

"WHY?!" exclaimed a broken toothed Ami.

"Great. Here comes Sailor Dumbass," moaned Rei.

It was her time. This was the moment Manami had been waiting for, perhaps her whole life even. She had always assumed that finding the Mystical Silver Crystal and fighting alongside the Sailor Senshi as Tuxedo Mask was her destiny, yet it had never felt right. No, nothing had ever felt right to her, not until this moment. It was only now that everything made sense. Manami had won the battle, but this was only the beginning of the war. This instance right now was were her life **truly** began. Everything beforehand was merely a waste of time.

Holding up her Transformation Pen, Manami shouted, "...W-Wait, I dunno what to shout!"

Rei's jaw fell open. "You don't **what**?! After all that supporting narration, you don't know how to use that thing?! Didn't Luna tell you how or something?!"

"W-Well...n-no, she didn't!"

"Try saying, 'Tuxedo Power, Make Up', Mana-chan!" yelled Usagi.

Makoto muttered, "Mana-chan?"

"That's a good idea!" Manami straighted herself up and cried, "Tuxedo Power, Make Up!"

Nothing.

"Uh...try 'Moonlight Knight Power' instead then!" said Usagi.

"W-Why would **that** work?!" inquired Manami.

Even Usagi had no idea why it would work. Maybe she was simply spouting out nonsense because she was growing so hungry. One hundred and twenty pieces of chicken tended to go through her quite fast, after all.

The cow/bull/fucker Youma was tired of waiting and from all twelve of its udders, milk shot out, forming into a massive wave of dairy that threatened to sweep everyone and anything away in a Vitamin D related death.

"Ah! No, that milk isn't pasteurized!" Usagi screamed in horror. "Girls, transform!"

"Mars Planet Power...!"

"Mercury Planet Power...!"

"Jupiter Planet Power...!"

"Moon Cosmic Power...!"

"MAKE UP!"

And so it was on. Fully transformed and ready to kick ass, the Sailor Senshi jumped into action. Well, they first jumped out of the way of that milk, with Sailor Moon and Sailor Mercury being successful. Unfortunately, neither Sailor Mars and Sailor Jupiter could say the same, as they were totally soaked.

"I swear to God, this had really better be milk," Mars bitterly said.

"I got this one!" Jupiter held her hands up to her tiara. "Supreme...Thun...!"

But before the final blow could be struck, Sailor Moon abruptly jumped in the way.

"You wanna move maybe?!" yelled Jupiter.

"Hold on! I wanna eat this guy after we're done, so don't beat it up too badly, alright, Mako-chan?" said Moon quite nicely.

It was becoming harder and harder for Jupiter to hold in the rage that was beginning to bubble like a volcano inside her. "...Usagi-chan, I'm going to give you to the count of five to get the hell out of the way before I shove your Moon Rod straight up your ass!"

"You've completely lost your mind, Usagi," added Mars.

"But I'm a growing girl! I need my meat!"

The Youma mooed angrily, tired of being ignored and somewhat upset that everyone was disregarding the high amounts of calcium it was trying to dispense. It was trying to help build strong bones, dammit! Oh, it was mad now and the Sailor Senshi around it were beginning to look like great punching bag material.

"Oh, good heavens! What happened?" said the chunky woman who Manami had sent to the floor earlier. "What in the world was I doing?"

"Quick! Human meat shield!"

Sailor Moon quickly grabbed the confused woman and the Youma in turn slammed his fist into her 'Human meat shield.' Blood sprayed everywhere, hitting the Senshi present.

"...I think her eye is in my ear," said Mars slowly.

"S-Should I use my Sabão Spray now?"

It started up slow, harmless even, prior to erupting into a resounding torrent of laughter, laughter at the mere thought of Mercury's worthless, pitiful attack. Even the Youma found itself overwhelmed with the giggles.

"That was a good one, Ami-chan!" said Sailor Moon, wiping some tears from her eyes. "Why don't you do something that would actually help though!"

"For **once**..." Jupiter added.

Not today, Mercury thought. Brandishing a knife behind her back, the image of her friends being sliced and diced at her hands was rather appealing, but not today. She had a very important test awaiting her at cram school tonight and three of four charges of murder on her record would most likely get in the way of that.

"Alright, I'm sorry guys!" said Mercury with the warmest, most caring smile in the world.

"A little help over here, girls!" Mars shouted.

The cow Youma had both Mars and Jupiter in a headlock, more specifically, a noogie. It then dipped its dirty thumb into its equally filthy mouth, drenching the appendage in revolting, smoking saliva. Mars' eyes dilated, filled with pure terror, as the thumb was inserted into one of her ears.

"Wet willy! Wet willy!" she cried, like she were crying bloody murder. "Oh God, I can **taste** it!"

"I think I'm going to be sick," stated a nauseated Jupiter.

Things just got worse. The Youma's eyes looked to gleam when it reached for both Mars' and Jupiter's trousers.

Jupiter cried, "N-No! Not a wedgie! Anything but a wedgie!"

Moon and Mercury cringed at the sight of their friends receiving an **atomic** wedgie.

* * *

"Work, dammit! Work! Uh...Endymion Power! Tuxedo Prism Power! Er...Pluto Planet Power? Agh! Why won't this stupid thing work?!"

Manami slung her Transformation Pen across the ground in disgust. It was no use; nothing she said or did got the thing to work. Perhaps it was just an ordinary pen, an object that would help her write in her diary or mark her tampons or whatever the hell it was girls did with pens.

"Oh! I forgot one!" Manami said, grabbing the pen. "Mamo-chan Power, Make Up!"

Nothing.

"Well, shit. I thought that one would do the trick for sure..."

* * *

The Sailor Senshi were defeating the Youma...is what a complete liar would say because they were getting their butts handed to them. After giving Sailor Moon a Swirlie and Sailor Mercury a few Indian Burns, the Youma sent them all running away in tears by whipping a wet towel against their posteriors.

Alright, their asses.

"That's it! I've had enough of this shit! If I wanted to be physically and mentally abused like this, I'd just go see my Father!" shouted Mars. "I'm about to serve up a platter of pork chops! Burning Mandala!"

Eight rings of fire were unleashed upon the cow/bull/I dunno no more Youma. Too bad it merely extinguished them with a squirt from its trusty udders, accidentally dousing the Sailor Senshi with milk as well.

"This **is** milk, right?" Jupiter wanted to know.

Moon licked some off her face. "I knew it! It **is** unpasteurized!"

"You know, if I just used Sabão Spray...!"

"Or maybe if you used **shut the hell up**, Mercury!" Mars barked.

Jupiter grit her teeth and screamed, "Would you two shut up for a sec?! Especially you, Ami-chan! I'm gonna finish this thing off once and for all! Supreme...Thunder!"

Unsurprisingly, the attack didn't do jack squat other than causing the Youma to laugh. Maybe it got a little indigestion too. Just maybe.

"How come nothing works against this thing?!" asked Mars.

Jupiter's eyebrow raised a bit. "Wait a minute! I know what's going on here!"

"What?"

"Can't you tell what's happening here?!"

"What?!"

"It's so obvious, Mars!"

"WHAT?!"

"Crescent Beam!"

"That wasn't what I meant," whispered Jupiter.

A golden beam of energy knocked the Youma off its feet, as Sailor Venus landed in front of the stunned Senshi.

"Youma, you won't go unpunished for your crimes!" she declared.

"Oh, give it a rest, Venus. No one's taking this thing seriously anyway," said Moon. "Where were you anyway?"

"Oh, I had to hurry and finish a concert! You know how big of a star Minako Aino is!"

"...No. I don't. You're not a pop star."

Venus blushed. "O-Oh yeah. Wrong continuity."

"How surprising. The Youma's getting back up," said Jupiter sardonically.

Indeed, the cow/chicken/Pikachu? Youma was getting back on its feet, no worse for the wear. It was almost as if Venus hadn't hit it at all.

"Is...is this thing immortal?"

"No, Mercury. It's quite simple." Jupiter suddenly grabbed Moon and dragged her to the front. "Usagi-chan, attack it."

"Okay!" Reaching onto her forehead, Sailor Moon cried out, "Moon Tiara...Action!"

Within seconds, the tiara shredded through one of the Youma's arms like a knife through butter. Everyone save Jupiter was left gazing in awe.

"Don't you get it now?!" Jupiter grabbed onto Mercury's shoulders tightly, making the latter more than a little uncomfortable. "None of **us** can hurt that thing because our names aren't Sailor Moon! It's always been like this! We do all the work and Usagi-chan gets the spoils!"

"I-I don't understand what you're saying!" Mercury cried.

Jupiter promptly slapped her for her ignorance. "No matter how many times we hit that...that **thing** over there, **we** can't kill it because that's not what the author wants!"

Now Mars was getting creeped out. "Makoto, what are you talking about?! What author?!"

"Ami-chan, I'm scared!" said Moon.

Again it was being ignored. Snarling, the cow/bull/you decide Youma could no longer stand it and decided the Sailor Senshi would pay for having such short attention spans. It began to glow a deep red color, while also causing the entire area to shake. Steam shot out of its ears like a boiling teapot and the monster let out a triumphant, "MO-OOOOOO-O!"

"Be careful, everyone! I'm sensing an ominous energy from this thing!" warned Mars.

"MAD COW! MAD CO-OOOOO-OW!" yelled Usagi.

"Okay, I don't mean to be a pain, but maybe if I used Sabão Spray...!"

Mercury zipped up her own mouth when everyone glared at her as if she were Queen Beryl herself.

"Wait! I think I finally figured it out!" said Manami in the distance.

"That idiot is still here?!" questioned Mars.

Fool. Manami allowed Sailor Mars' comment to slide this time around, for what the pathetic Senshi didn't realize was that greatness was about to be born. Manami was so kind in fact that she would allow the non believer to witness the birth of perfection, the start of a new era. With this, Mamoru Chiba would truly be dead, and from the cocoon of his carcass would break out a beautiful butterfly named Manami. Yes, this would be one for the history books, one for the Wikipedia article.

"I ain't gonna let the narration go to waste this time!" Raising her Transformation Pen, one more time, Manami cried, "Earth Power...MAKE UP!"

The most remarkable thing happened just then. Time seemed to stop, while a golden array of lights lit up the entire area, blinding just about everyone in the process. People that had fallen over or collapsed during the conflict found strength flooding back into their beings. Even the fat lady who had been punched to smithereens found herself resuscitated in what could only be called a Christmas Miracle!

"Alright, what the hell is going on this time?!" said Mars.

"I dunno, but my acne is clearing up!" said Jupiter.

"Yeah, and that yeast infection I got is going away too!" added Moon.

Too much information.

Mars then pointed and asked, "W-What's going on with Ami?"

Sailor Mercury was currently twitching and jerking all over the ground, along with foaming at the mouth profusely.

"Oh yeah, I forgot she was epileptic," Moon casually explained.

END


	2. Act 2

Act 2: Mamoru - Baka Earth 2

What would you define as greatness? A boxer winning the heavyweight championship after a tumultuous career? How about an artist, after dealing with their fair share of success and failure, finally creating that one masterpiece that will enshrine them in the hearts of millions forever? Maybe even a scientist who successfully discovers the means to travel to a world where the Kardashians don't exist?

Whatever the case, the term 'greatness' was about to be rewritten. The birth of a new, much greater Sailor Senshi was eminent and there was no doubt it would blow away any event in history that had ever occurred and even anything that couple possibly happen in the future. Everything was insignificant in the face of this event. Everything. Better than the birth of your first child, better than the first time you lost your virginity, and even better than the time you found twenty dollars on the ground, then looked around to see if anyone saw you do it before snatching it and running to the nearest liquor store for a six pack.

It was that big of a deal.

"I swear to God I'm going to punch that narrator in the face!" exclaimed Sailor Mars, as she braced herself from the numerous shockwaves being generated by Manami's transformation. "And when the heck is that idiot going to be done?! The Youma will kill us all by the time she gets through!"

"Be quiet, Rei-chan!" Sailor Moon hollered. "Her transformation music is playing!"

Indeed it was! A quartet of female singers bizarrely came out of nowhere to hum a heavenly tune to accompany the glorious event unfolding here today.

Sailor Jupiter shook her head. "Now this is just getting ridiculous."

Crossing her arms, Sailor Venus said, "Ha! They're not even half as good as me!"

"You're not a singer though, Venus," Moon reminded her.

"Umm...I-I think we're forgetting something," muttered Sailor Mercury, pointing.

That's right; there was a Youma attacking them currently. Like so many times before, its presence was being unheeded, despite the fact it was preparing an attack that would in all likelihood finish everyone off in an instance. This was unforgivable. Steam shot out its nose and ears like a train revving its engines, its hands and legs began to shake forcibly, and its udders were spurting out milk at an alarming rate, almost like the dairy beverage was his rage in liquid form. Yes, glowing even redder and hotter than before, the cow/bull/joke's getting old Youma charged in for the kill.

"Here it comes!" declared Mars.

"Oh boy, oh boy!" said Moon, putting on a bib. "He looks so tasty!"

Jupiter groaned. "D-Dammit, Usagi-chan! We're not eating him!"

"W-What?! I'm outta here then!"

"Get back here!"

Jupiter dragged Sailor Moon back by her choker, while the latter tried futilely to escape her friend's grasp, screaming obscenities and other naughty things as she did so.

"We'll be killed at this rate!" said Mars. "I'll slow it down! Mars Snake Fire!"

The attack only proved to make the Youma a little more hotheaded.

"Shine Aqua Illusion!" yelled Sailor Mercury.

Other than making the monster smell a little less like rotten cheese and toenail clippings, that attack was also pointless.

"Venus Wink Chain Sword!" Sailor Venus declared.

The blow was nothing more than a love tap.

"Sparkling Wide Pressure!" cried Sailor Jupiter.

The Youma found nothing shocking about that technique.

"Ugh, why didn't I even bother?" Jupiter knew the team had to think of something and quick."Usagi-chan, you try!"

Moon crossed her arms. "No."

"W-What?! Why not?!" asked Mars.

"You're the only one that can do it though, Usagi-chan!" added Mercury.

"Yeah, you gotta beat that meat!" Venus chimed.

"No," said Sailor Moon, even sharper and more stubborn than last time. "Mako-chan was mean to me, so now I don't wanna fight!"

"You **cannot **be serious right now!" Jupiter grabbed Moon by the shoulders and told her, "You better attack that thing this instant or I'm not cooking another damn for you to eat ever again!"

Moon flinched. "I-I don't care! I-I'll just find something else to eat!"

"Usagi-chan, if you beat the Youma, I'll give you all the answers to every test we'll ever have in the future!" Mercury pleaded. "You can even copy all my homework without paying...even though you've been doing that anyway..."

"N-No...t-thank you...A-Ami-chan," replied Moon, cracking a bit.

"Oh, I know! I'll give you my latest CD if you do it, Usagi-chan! You'll have the first copy!" said Venus with a smile.

Sailor Moon, raising an eyebrow, replied, "But...you're not a **singer**, Minako-chan!"

Venus paused. "...Oh yeah?! Then how come I have my own album now?! Look! I'm holding it up right now!"

"Venus, that's an instructional DVD on gardening," said Mars dryly.

"That's not even a good one," said Jupiter. "Everything on there is completely wrong, unless you want every plant you have to catch AIDS. Don't ask."

"W-What?!" Venus looked carefully at the disc case and then burst into tears. "B-But...but Artemis said it was the release of my first album! I thought I was a superstar and...and...WA-AAAAAAAA-AH!"

Everyone covered their ears from the screeching that was very likely going to be the last thing they would have to suffer through before their untimely demises.

"We've got enough crying with Usagi-chan over there, so don't you start too," said Jupiter exhaustedly.

"Usagi..." started Sailor Mars. The others could tell she was determined, steadfast even to convince Sailor Moon to act. "If you defeat this particular Youma, I will use my spiritual powers to help you overcome that one level on the Sailor V video game you won't shut up about."

Suddenly, a glimmer of light shone in Sailor Moon's eyes. "Y-You mean the one with the giant squid and the bondage?! No matter what I do, I can't beat that level because the squid always rips V's clothes off in the end and I lose!"

"What the hell kind of level is that?!" inquired Jupiter.

Sailor Venus merely whistled innocently at the information.

"Yes, Usagi. That's the one. Now then, finish that Youma!"

Sailor Moon understood what needed to be done. She quickly drew her Cutie Moon Rod, as the persistent Youma she was up against came hurtling toward her. Her strike would be swift and true, enough to end this pointless battle in a flash.

"RIDER KICK!"

Someone other than Sailor Moon struck at the cow/bull/cat Youma, with their blow sending it sailing across the sky like a shooting star. Who though? The Sailor Senshi all whipped their heads toward their savior and each of them gasped at someone who clearly wasn't Kamen Rider.

"Did you miss me, ladies?" asked the grinning and transformed Manami Chiba.

The lovely Manami was clad in a white sailor uniform with a black skirt, a black collar, a gold choker, a black ribbon tied to her a back, a gold one on her front with a black brooch, elbow length white gloves with golden elbow fittings, white shoulder pads, gold earrings shaped like the astrological symbol for Earth, and a pair of black pumps on her feet. Finally, her tiara was golden, with a black jewel in the center.

God damn, I need to take a deep breath after a description like that.

"Youma!" said Manami, as she pointed to the creature, who in turn pointed at itself in confusion. "Don't think your crimes will go unpunished!"

"Oh great, now she's stealing my material," said Venus, rolling her eyes.

"I am the Sailor Suited Pretty Girl of Love and Justice, Sailor Earth!"

Moon's jaw dropped. "H-Hey! That's **my** shtick!"

"In the name of the Earth, prepare to get skullfucked!"

The other Sailor Senshi gasped.

Moon then said, "Well, that's **definitely** not what I ever say..."

"Just what we needed; another idiot on the team!" screamed Jupiter.

"Is it strange that I wanna cry?" asked Mars.

After getting a high heel to the face, the Youma wanted to cry too. It angrily charged at Sailor Earth and Sailor Earth in turn flipped out of the way, searching the ground for something in particular.

"Did you girls beat the Youma yet?" said Luna, hopping into the action just then.

"Super Luna Toss!" cried Earth, grabbing Luna and chucking her toward the monster.

"W-What the hell do you think you're doing?!"

The spur of the moment technique was actually more effective than it would have seemed. Luna spiraled smack dab into the monster's face, knocking it over and possibly shattering Luna's skull. Sailor Earth wasn't done there, as she opted to call upon the powers of her guardian planet.

"Super Mega Ultra Atlas Ball Special Deluxe!"

"What kind of attack is..."

Sailor Moon's sentence was cut off and she half near bit her tongue when what looked to be a gigantic globe of the Earth crashed down onto Sailor Earth's shoulders.

"O-Oh God, my back!" she wailed. "I-I mean...! Take this, foul demon!'

The cow/bull Youma was only catching its breath when its eyes enlarged at the sight of the globe rolling toward it.

"M-Moo?"

Bam! It was flattened like a pancake as the ball struck. Miraculously though, it still wasn't defeated, standing up in a two dimensional plane.

"Huh. I was certain that would work," Earth muttered.

"And I was certain she was actually going to take this seriously..." moaned Mars.

"Actually, I think she's doing quite well considering..."

"SHUT UP, AMI!" everyone screamed simultaneously.

Rather than fighting back, Mercury placed a paper bag over her face.

"O-Oh dear God, my **head**!"

Luna got back to her feet, bleeding profusely from the forehead, just as Sailor Earth snatched her up again.

"Super Deluxe Luna Toss!"

"I WILL MURDER YOU IN YOUR SLEEP!" yelled a flying Luna.

The Youma avoided the cat this time around, as she sailed past it and into the unknown.

"S-Shouldn't someone go after her?" asked Venus.

Sailor Moon, picking her nose, responded, "Maybe."

"Damn! What a tough bastard!" exclaimed Earth.

"You really shouldn't be shocked. Only Usagi-chan here can kill the monsters," Jupiter explained.

"Hosh posh!" was Sailor Earth's stout rebuttal. "This is **my** story!"

Behind a bright flash of light came a small, golden staff with a silver globe on top.

"Haha! Youma, witness the power of my Earth Stick, for it will be the last thing you'll ever see!"

"Earth Stick? H-Hey...wait a minute!" Usagi Tsukino was slowly, but surely, putting the pieces to this puzzle together. "Isn't that kinda like my Moon Stick from before?!"

"N-No, Usako! It's my **Earth Stick**! **Earth Stick**! It's totally different!"

Totally different.

Sailor Mars began to walk away. "I can't take any more of this stupidity. If anyone needs me, I'll probably be in a fanfic where I'm randomly shipped with...Minako or something."

The cow/bull/pork chops Youma managed to blow itself back into 3D by using an air pump. Then, it turned it sights on that blasphemous, heathen, and 'talented' Sailor Earth. Strong bones be damned, it would going to use this next blast of milk to totally wipe her and her little friends off the planet for good.

"INCOMI-IIIIII-ING!" shouted Moon. "Waaah! I just wanted some meat!"

"We're doomed I tell you! DO-OOOO-OMED!" cried Venus, hopping around in a mad panic.

Jupiter sighed. "Never thought I would get milked to death."

"You bitches can drown! I'm outta here!" said Mercury, tearing the bag off her head and making a sphere of water around her. Laughing manically, she then floated away.

"Huh. I honestly didn't see that coming," Jupiter commented.

"Hey, what did we ever do to her?!" said Moon.

"No one's dying on my watch!" shouted Earth, leaping onto the scene. "Well...except for all the people that died before we got here. Oh, and maybe some people the Youma killed that we don't know about. Oh, and of course the Youma, 'cause I'm 'bout to scramble it's brains and..."

"Just get it over with!" screamed Jupiter, her face reddening.

"Yeah, it's already been like four pages. We've gotta wrap this thing up," said Venus.

"And I wanna go to McDonalds after this!" whined Moon.

Earth turned to her and replied, "If we go this time, you only get **one** Happy Meal! They ran out of toys the last time we went! And for the love of God, Usako, **don't** eat the plastic balls in the play pen! They're choking hazards!"

"But they look like giant pieces of candy!"

"What did I just say?!"

Moon crossed her arms. "Ah, you're so mean sometimes, Mana-chan!"

"In case you idiots forgot, giant wave of milk!" said Jupiter.

"Oh, right!" Twirling her Earth Stick, which was absolutely, positively **nothing** like Sailor Moon's Moon Stick, Sailor Earth bellowed, "Earth Princess Halation!"

Jupiter turned to Moon and asked, "C-Can't you sue or something?!"

A glorious, yellow beam of light shot out of the Earth Stick, pierced the center of the milk wave, and hit the Youma dead on, obliterating it instantly. It let out one final, agonizing, "MO-OOOOO-O!", as tears gathered into Sailor Moon's eyelids.

"N-No! I-I...wanted to eat him! I...wanted to eat him!"

Sailor Venus embraced her weeping friend tenderly. "There, there, now. There'll always be another one!"

"While I want to comment on how wrong you are, Venus, I'm more shocked by the fact someone other than Sailor Moon can kill these thing!" said Jupiter.

"I told you, Makoto, this is **my** story!" Earth roared.

"Well, I guess I gotta give credit where credit is due."

"One more thing. How do you...turn this thing off?" said Earth, pointing to her clothes.

A large, pulsating vein popped up on Jupiter's forehead and she covered her ears to block out the voice that was telling her to kill everyone present for being so stupid.

* * *

In an unknown place at an unknown location, a just as vaguely described character was gazing intently into a crystal ball. The events that had just unfolded some passages above were replaying inside the crystal and the person watching cringed at the sight of the cow/bull/I still have no clue Youma being blown to bits.

"Yo, I don' believe it! Dem jive turkey ass Sailor Senshi don offed not, one, but **two** of mah homies! I oughta bust a cap in dem gurls asses for dis shit! Dat's alright doh! Dat's alright! 'Bout to come back strong wit a counta attack dey ain't gon see comin'! Dat fine ass Sailor Earth doh! Gotta see 'bout gettin' dem digits before destroying her and her friends!"

The individual laughed before pulling out a gun and shooting a number of rounds into the crystal ball, destroying it.

"Wait, why da hell did I do dat?! I gotta pay for dem, ya know!"

* * *

Juuban Manicipal Junior High School. Never was there such a wretched hive of scum and villainy. Oh, did I already use that joke? Too bad. Unoriginality and copyright infringement are the names of the game in this story!

Anyway, it was a fresh morning for the school, as hundreds of worthless students piled into the building to waste their day learning knowledge they would never apply in the real world, yet here they were anyway.

Usagi Tsukino's class in general was bustling with activity because quite a number of students were running into kids they'd never seen before, along with noticing that students that usually were in class with them were strangely absent today.

"Okay, okay, class! Have a seat!" said Ms. Haruna Sakurada, an English teacher, Usagi's homeroom teacher, and a woman who strangely was unable to find a steady boyfriend. Her terrible foot odor was a possible cause. "Alright, class. You may have noticed something...different about your fellow peers."

Usagi searched around. "I don't!"

"You should get your eyes checked then, Usagi-chan" uttered Makoto Kino, who was seated directly behind her.

"Mako-chan?! What are you doing here?!"

"Good morning, Usagi-chan!" said Ami Mizuno, who was seated two spaces to the right of Usagi. "Surprise?"

"A-Ami-chan?! You're here too?! Why are you both in my class?!"

Mako sighed. "That's what **I **wanna know!"

"I'm actually pretty happy to be in the same class as Usagi-chan," said Ami warmly.

"Shut up, Ami," said Makoto, exasperated.

"That's what I wanted to tell you all," explained Ms. Haruna. "You see, the school's annual budget has been cut. A lot. Therefore, we can only afford to have one class full of ninth graders, so...yeah! Here we are!"

"Wait, what about all the missing kids?" asked Naru Osaka, raising her hand.

"Well, we had to get rid of all the under achieving kids and send them to Juuban Academy for the Academically Dimwitted and Ugly."

"How come Usagi-chan's still here then?"

The whole class laughed in unison at the crack, for the same thing had been on all of their minds too.

Usagi's face turned red at Makoto's remark. "Oh, Mako-chan, you're so mean sometimes! I'm not that dumb!" Her attention then found its way to something on the floor. "Ooh! A half eaten meatbun! MINE!"

Everyone around her merely cringed when she attacked the dirty, hairy, and half chewed piece of food as if it were one of Queen Beryl's minions.

"Remind me to write you a note to the nurses office, Tsukino-san," said Ms. Haruna, gagging. "A-Anyway, that's not the only news I have! We have a new transfer student! I want all of you to give her a nice round of applause! Alright, come on in, Miss Chiba!"

The doors to the classroom rattled open and most everyone forgot to clap, though it wasn't because they weren't impressed. Most weren't sure if they were seeing a goddess or their newest classmate. Manami Chiba winked at everyone as she gracefully walked in, with most of the male students hastily covering their crotches as they gazed at her.

"She's an angel!" one muttered.

"Someone pinch me! I must be dreaming!" said another.

"Do you think she puts out?!" added a third.

"You've got to be kidding me," Makoto whispered.

"Mana-chan! Hi, Mana-chan! Over here!" yelled Usagi waving her arm frantically.

"I think she can see you, Usagi-chan," said Makoto.

"Isn't this surprising?" chimed Ami.

"Surprising?! Wasn't Mamoru a **college** student?! How the heck did he even get into a junior high school to begin with?! He looks ten years older than all of us! Maybe his sex change lowered his IQ to that of a junior high student too."

Makoto was suddenly hit with a brick.

"Shh! Be quiet, Mako-chan!" Usagi ordered. "Mana-chan is going to speak!"

"W-Where did you even get that thing?!"

"Hello, everyone! My name is Manami Chiba! Please treat me well!" said Manami cheerfully, bowing toward her new peers.

The class erupted into a frenzy of cheering, shouting, and applause at the rather pedestrian introduction and even Manami's personal quartet of singers were humming a pleasant tune in her name in the back of the classroom. Makoto wondered when they even got here.

"Settle down, class! Settle down! We've had transfer students before! It's no big deal! And you, Shiragawa-san! Put down the wedding ring! I told you before, no wedding proposals during class time!" Ms. Haruna declared. She then casually moved her head over to Manami's. "Oh my God, you're so cute, Chiba-san! Do you think you could share some of you beauty secrets with me?!"

"Oh? That's funny! I was going to ask **you **that, Sensei!" answered Manami.

Ms. Haruna let out a high squeal. "Oh, I could just eat you up!"

"Not if I eat you first!"

The two of them joyfully giggled at one another's remarks, but as they did so, Makoto watched them. Her rage was building and her self control was leaving her. She figured she could snap both their necks real quick; no one would even have to notice.

"N-No, Makoto. Remember your trips to the therapist!" She pulled out a blue ball and began squeezing down on it hard. "Remember your therapy..."

"Alrighty, Chiba-san! You can take the seat next to Tsukino-san!" said Ms. Haruna.

Even Manami merely walking down the classroom was a big deal. Scores of desk were pushed aside to make a pathway for her. A couple of students even lined said path with rose petals. After declining a number of offers for her hand in marriage, Manami made it to the desk next to Usagi's. With their work completed, her personal quartet bowed and exited the room.

"Is it always like this around here?" Manami inquired, waving to a boy who was blowing her kisses.

"Only when you're here, Mana-chan!" said Usagi, clutching Manami's arm. "It's only natural everyone would love you at first sight!"

"Heh! I guess you're right!"

"I'm going to be sick," said Makoto, squeezing on her stress ball harder.

"I didn't think Manami-san would be this popular already!" exclaimed Ami.

"If that's what you want to call it," answered Makoto, as she watched someone tell Manami she was pretty enough to be in a porno.

Naru, watching the way Usagi was hanging on to the new girl, moved her desk over to her friend's. "Hey, Usagi-chan! What gives?! Do you know Chiba-san or something?"

"Of course I do! We're lovers!"

The record playing in the room screeched to a halt. Everyone stopped what they were doing to glance at Usagi, the silence created solely being pierced by the sound of Makoto pressing down on her stress ball even harder. Ms. Haruna had been writing something on the chalkboard in front of the class, but she accidentally snapped her chalk in half upon hearing Usagi.

"W-Well...okay then!" said Ms. Haruna behind some nervous chuckles. "W-Why don't we move onto the lesson now?!"

Usagi, still smiling, was utterly oblivious to the reaction her comment had spawned.

"Oh! I nearly forgot!" Ms. Haruna pulled out a slip of paper with some large characters on it. "The school's annual Scurvy Prevention Festival is coming up, students!"

The news garnered and overall, "AWWWWWWW!" from the class.

"Hey now! It isn't** that** bad!"

Her class thought otherwise, since they began complaining left and right about the matter. Growling, Ms. Haruna pulled out a handgun and shot a round into the ceiling, silencing everyone.

"Thank you! Okay then, you all know this festival is put on every year to help the many pirates sailing the Seven Seas in their battle against the spread of Scurvy amongst their ships! Our school helps them out every year by holding a festival where they can come and buy plenty of fruits and vegetables from you all! Scurvy is a terrible disease, killing thousands of pirates each year, so it is **very** important we help those rouges of the sea get plenty of Vitamin C!"

"Aw, but I don't even like fruits and vegetables!" Usagi argued. "They taste like not meat!"

Ms. Haruna snarled again and pointed her glock directly at Usagi's forehead. "Okay, Tsukino-san! You either stop whining and help out in the festival, or get a bullet in the back of your head! You decide!"

Usagi burst into tears. "B-But...I only like eating stuff I can kill fi-iiiiiiiiiii-irst!"

"Wait just a moment!" Manami slammed her hands down on her desk and stood. "This whole idea is preposterous! A 'Scurvy Festival?!' I mean, who the hell came up with a stupid idea like that?!" Manami then laughed and twirled a bang of her hair with her finger. "Whatever the case, Usako and I won't be attending this...**thing**, so you can go ahead and put a bullet in both our heads! Wait..."

"Idiot," murmured Makoto.

"But, Chiba-san, the pirates are counting on us! Have a heart!" said Ms. Haruna.

"I've made up my mind! Those pirates can die for all I care!" answered Manami adamantly.

Ms. Haruna groaned. "Alright then. If we **don't** collect fruits and vegetables for the pirates, they've promised to not only pillage our land, but rape our women and children too!"

Manami wasn't certain if she had crapped herself or not because of this latest development. "W-Well then...! Count me and Usako in!"

"What the hell is that smell?" asked Makoto, covering her nose.

* * *

Everyone gathered at Hirakawa Shrine after school to discuss today's events, where Manami was sulking grumpily in Rei's room.

"I can't believe we got suckered into helping in that stupid Scurvy Festival!" she said.

"I mean, we didn't get 'suckered' so much as we got 'blackmailed', but yeah," replied Makoto. "Hey, all I know is that I'm not letting any pirate swab my poop deck, thank you very much, so we better get this thing done."

"You all think you have problems? **My** school's festival involves us giving sponge baths to the homeless!" said Rei, as she shuttered a bit. "The guy I have to clean up is creepy! He's always smelling my hair and telling me he's going to chop my head off and do things with it..."

A sobbing Rei fell into Makoto's consoling arms.

"As much as that sucks, I'm pretty sure my plight is deserves more sympathy!" stated Manami. "I mean, not only could I get raped by pirates, but this algebra homework I've got here is killing me!"

"But, that's World History," Ami said, pointing to the papers Manami was scribbling on.

"...Well, it's all the same when you really get down to it, right?!"

"N-No it isn't. Those two subjects are completely different. I mean..."

Manami pulled out a knife and slung it up to Ami's throat. "I swear to God, Ami, I will cut you! I will cut you in front of your friends and I guarantee they won't say a damn thing while I'm doing so!"

Shrieking, Ami retreated into her own homework.

"That's better."

Rei turned to Usagi and said, "You've been awfully quiet, Usagi. What are you...?"

The others looked up when Rei began to scream a bloodcurdling scream. It didn't take long for them to realize she was reacting to Usagi sitting in a corner of the room and eating what was clearly a human arm. Blood and guts drizzled down both of her cheeks, as she returned everyone's horrified glances with a baffled expression of her own.

"What?" she asked simply.

It was at that same time that Luna the cat walked into the room. Her head was wrapped in bandages and her movements were sluggish, like she sustained an injury or something. If she had, Manami hadn't the foggiest idea when.

Luna took one look at Usagi before shrugging and noting that whatever was going on was none of her business.

"Holy shit!" cried Makoto, jumping to her feet. "Usagi-chan, what the hell?!"

Ami actually threw up at the sight of Usagi tearing into human flesh so viciously. It was like the kind of thing you would see while channel surfing and you catch a glimpse of National Geographic or Animal Planet while you do so, only this was real life and not a boring, dumb nature show.

"Usagi, what are you doing with that thing?!" Rei wanted to know.

Usagi took another voracious bite out of the arm before responding, "What? I don't get why you guys are making such a big deal out of this! I missed lunch!"

"You didn't 'miss lunch', Usagi-chan, you ate it in the hallway after Ms. Haruna kicked you out of class for making out with Manami during the lesson!" Makoto shrieked. "T-That's beside the point though! If you were that hungry, you should have just asked me to make you something!"

Rei covered her mouth with her hand. "I-I don't even want to know how or when you managed to get that thing anymore..."

"I'm so past caring at this point," said Luna, as she shook her throbbing head.

Things simply got stranger when Minako Aino abruptly crashed right through Rei's bedroom door and onto the carpeting. She then vomited everywhere, laughing obnoxiously while she did so. Needless to say, Rei's carpet was ruined, along with her sanity at this point.

"Am I...late for...hic...the party?!" Minako asked. "Whoo! I'm ready to par-tay!"

"Oh God, what is going on now?" Makoto rushed over to who she was really struggling to call her friend at the moment and helped her up. "Minako-chan? O-Oh man, she smells like a brewery! She's hammered for sure!"

"...A-And missing an arm!" Ami declared, pointing to the spot Minako's left arm **should** have been. "And I'm pretty sure I know where it is..."

"Oh yeah, I was...hic...gonna ask someone if they'd...hic...seen it!" said Minako in almost illegible English. Or Japanese. Or...whatever they speak in Animeland. "I-I think...I lent it to someone, but I can't...hic...remember!"

"Call an ambulance!" Rei screamed. "Dammit, where's the phone?! Grr...don't tell me Grandpa is using it to call sex hotlines again?!"

Minako only giggled at the proposal. "It's fine! I'm fine! It's no...hic...big deal! It'll grow back!"

"U-SA-GI!" Rei glared as hard as humanly possible at the Princess of the Moon, who began eating faster. "How...no...**why** do you have Minako's arm?!"

"I thought you said you didn't want to know!"

"USAGI!"

Innocently, Usagi answered, "Well...I ran into her earlier and told her how hungry I was and she said she'd give an arm or a leg to make sure I didn't starve!"

"I'm pretty sure it was just an expression!" said Makoto.

"And I'm pretty sure she wasn't in her right mind when she said that!" added Rei.

"It's...hic...okay!" Minako assured everyone. "If she's...hic...hungry, what can you do, right?! Gotta give the...hic...Princess what she wants! Am I right?!"

Minako, much to everyone's dismay, threw up a second time.

"How does a fourteen year old even get liquor?" asked Ami.

Minako almost threw up again when she responded, "I-I can do...hic...what I want, Ami-chan! I'm a big pop star...hic!"

"You're not a pop star though, Minako-chan," said Usagi, breaking from her meal.

"Like you've got any right to tell anyone anything!" snapped Rei.

"Could I have some of that arm, Usako," said Manami suddenly with a look of longing. "I didn't really get a chance to eat either."

More chunks hit Rei's precious, velvet carpet when Ami found herself unable to control her digestive system.

"I see...hic...someone's already...hic...been partying!" chimed Minako at Ami.

"Party?! What party?! Can I come?!" asked Usagi.

"Would you stop eating her freakin' arm for a second, Usagi-chan?!" stated Makoto.

Luna, finally having enough of this spectacle, spoke up. "As much as cannibalism is appalling, I **really** think we should talk about the Youma that have been showing up in Azabu-Juuban recently! I think a new enemy might have appeared!"

"Do you really think **now** is a good time, Luna?!"

Rei sort of had a point. Her carpet was totally covered in food products she didn't even want to try determining, Minako was bleeding out all over her room, and the smell of Minako's rotting flesh was beginning to waft all about, not that it was affecting Usagi much, since she just about had the limb down to the bone.

Basically, everything going on resembled a standard episode of Jersey Shore.

"Maybe we **should** talk about that, Luna," Rei uttered. "Anything to get my mind off these two imbeciles behind me."

"Rei-chan, you're so mean!" whined Usagi. "If you were hungry, I'd give you **my** arm!"

Rei's face reddened like a beet. "That's not the point, you...!"

"So, about that Youma...!" shouted Makoto in an attempt to change the subject. "I do think our last two enemies were weird. I mean, first a giant chicken, then a cow."

"I think the last one was a bull though," said Ami.

"No, but it had udders," said Manami.

"But it also had horns," added Usagi.

"I don't care what it was!" Rei screamed. "Why don't we just go do some investigating as so as we're all done with our school affairs?!"

"No! Let's...hic...party instead!" Minako shook her remaining arm here and there energetically. "I can...hic...get some strippers to come over here! Seriously!"

"S-Shouldn't we take her to a hospital?" said Ami.

"Shut up you two!" Manami barked. "We're trying to stratermagize over here!"

Minako giggled again. "Is the...hic...room spinning, or is it...hic...just me?!"

She then collapsed face first onto the stained carpet. Makoto didn't even bother trying to pick her back up.

"I have an idea!" Kicking her feet onto the table, and incidentally onto Ami's homework, Manami said, "I say we try to find out some more about those two Youma's that attacked this week! Maybe there's a new enemy afoot! In order to protect the city and its citizens, I think we should go out and do some investigating as soon as our school's respective festivals are over!

Luna shut her eyes tightly before replying, "That's what we just got through discussing."

Ignoring this, Manami went on with, "The fate of the world could be at stake here, people and I'll be damned if I let it be destroyed or taken over or raped by pirates if I have anything to say about it!"

"Relax there, Wonder Woman," said Rei, waving her arm. "We've only had to deal with a fat chicken and a dumb cow so far. If things keep up like this, we have nothing to worry about."

"I agree," added Makoto. "It was a bull, by the way."

Ami stated, "But it had **udders**!"

"I will burn you all alive if we talk about this some more!" screeched Rei.

"Whatever." Makoto shrugged. "We really should be getting ready for the Scurvy Prevention Festival though."

"And getting Minako-chan to a hospital?" asked Ami hesitantly.

What was left of Minako's chewed arm smacked into the back of Ami's head just then.

"Shut up, Ami-chan," Usagi ordered.

"Well...o-okay then..." Ami shoved the arm into her mouth so she would be unable to speak. Better safe than sorry, she thought.

"Agh! That damn festival thing! Usako, Makoto, Ami! You three had better hurry up with those festival preparations! As your leader, I'm ordering you to speed things up so that all our buttholes are safe!"

"What the hell am I hearing?" Luna put her head back down to drown out the stupidity swarming all around her ears.

"Wait, since when have **you** been the leader?!" inquired Rei testily.

"Duh! I have the most 'talent', therefore, I should be the leader! It's elementary, my dear Rei!" Manami explained.

"It's stupid."

"You're face is stupid!"

"Whatever."

"You're just mad I have more 'talent' than you!'"

"I-I don't care about that, you drag queen!"

"I-I am not Sailor Pluto in drag! Why does everybody keep saying that?!"

"I never said you were Sailor Pluto! Is there something you're not telling us?!"

Manami stammered, "S-Shut up...fire breath!"

"Oh, great comeback! What are you, like ten years old?!"

"Least I don't have the chest of a ten year old!"

Rei blushed. "I-I already said I don't care about frivolous things like that, you drag queen!"

"**I'd** care if my chest was flatter than a stack of pancakes!"

"You take that back!" Rei pulled out her strongest sealing charm. "I'll send you back to hell where you belong, demon! Drag queen! Freak of nature!"

Manami grinned and replied, "That's what your Mom said last night!"

"What does that even **mean**?!"

"Can I have a say in this?" said Ami, taking Minako's bloody arm out of her throat.

Manami promptly slapped her. "Don't take that tone of voice with me! I'm your leader!"

"WHY ARE YOU GUYS ALWAYS SO MEAN TO ME?!" screamed Ami before running out of the room sobbing like a three year old.

"Way to go, 'leader!' We never talk to her like that!" proclaimed Makoto.

"Says the bimbo with no 'talent!'"

Makoto stood, gritting her teeth, and replied, "I will murder your entire family!"

"Is someone going to buy me a new carpet?!" Rei asked after seeing Minako throw up on the one corner that had been untouched up until that point.

The three continued to shout over one another, while Usagi watched them, shaking her head in disgust.

"Our friends sure are weird," she noted, as she grabbed a saw and targeted Minako's right leg. "You won't mind if I borrow this, right? I'm still a little hungry!"

"I think...hic...my heart just stopped!" Minako declared.

END


	3. Act 3

A/N: I dare you to read the first part without slowing down or pacing yourself.

_Italics_ mean somebody is rapping (poorly) because wouldn't let me use these awesome, special characters instead. Meanies.

Act 3: Pirates - Scurvy Prevention

The Azabu-Juuban district was quiet, too quiet. The sounds of the city's people screaming in terror alongside the distinct noises of chaos and devastation had become so commonplace, it was honestly disturbing to hear dead silence. Where were all the Youma? Where was the mass destruction and death? How could people be expected to get along with their day without having their energy sucked for some inane plot hatched by a group of cliché villains?

There was one creature willing to come to their aid, to ease their confusion and anxiety. Standing on top of a building and allowing a strong breeze to waft against its many brown feathers, a giant turkey looked down upon the noiseless metropolis in disdain. Something was bothering this majestic creature, although he couldn't quite put his wing on it. It wasn't the lack of violence, but the atrocious smell hitting his nose. That smell; that familiar smell. It was one he wished to eradicate from this fair town, an aroma that would be history once he and his cohorts got through with it. This mere fact made his yellow beak twist into a kinda weird grin, as a turkey smiling is pretty darn weird to begin with. A few of the creature's teeth were coated in gold, while the rest suggested his dental hygiene wasn't the best.

"I think I can bust a pretty good beat in dis here 'hood!" the giant turkey declared. Another gust of wind rushed past him, rattling the numerous gold chains around his neck. "Too bad it smells so bad, yo! I know dat scent anywhere! Dis place here is reakin' wit the smell of fresh fruits and vegetables! Yo, I ain't about dat life!"

The turkey adjusted the black sunglasses on its peepers and then suddenly pulled out a boom box and a microphone. A funky beat exited the radio's speakers, in turn making the chicken bust out in spontaneous dancing.

"_Yo, yo, yo! Who's the best villain ever?! Err'body __in da world__ knows mah rhymes are so clever! Who ya gonna call when things get murky?! Err'body know __da__ name; I'm Jive Turkey!__"_

Jive Turkey showed off a few more of his moves before sensing a presence behind him. Turning, his jaw dropped at the realization someone was standing behind him. It was a giant piece of ham with arms and legs and everything! The two leered intently at one another for a couple of moments, though the ham didn't have any eyes...or a mouth...or any discernible features on its face, so it was hard to tell what it was really doing. However, a mouth **did** appear when the ham-man smiled, revealing similar colored choppers like Jive Turkey's.

"Jive Turkey, dawg! Wat it is?!" the giant ham enthusiastically said.

Jive Turkey embraced his friend and the two of them performed an indescribable handshake that lasted no less than ten minutes, then another ten when the two noticed they had screwed up at one part.

"Ham Glock, dawg!" said Jive Turkey just as heartily. "Yo, I was just 'bout to call yo glazed ass! Uh...y-ya didn't happened to hear any of dem lyrics, did ya?"

"Sho did! Dawg, dat shit was **tight**!" Ham Glock assured his homie. "I was just 'bout to jump in an' spit some rhymes mahself, but ya killed it, dawg!"

"Respect, yo!" replied Jive Turkey and he and Ham Glock hugged again. "Yo, while ya here, let me hear ya bust a few lyrics on me!"

Ham Glock shook what must have been his head. "Nah, dawg. I ain't dat good yet!"

"Shi-iiiiiiiii-it! Why ya jiving, playa?! Come on, homie, let me hear one!"

"Well, if ya say so, dawg!" Ham Glock cleared his throat, while Jive Turkey started to make a beat with his throat. _"Yo, yo, yo! I know __mah__ rhymes are sick, but don't be __fazed__! M__ah__ name is Ham Glock and I'm nicely glazed! __Mah__ lyrics are da __illest__, I dare you to jest! I got chains on my neck 'cause ya know I'm da best! __Dem__ Sailor Senshi are dead when I get __mah__ hands on 'em! You can guarantee dat, sucka, 'cause __I'm a numba one stunna'!"_

"YO-OOOOOOO-O!" Jive Turkey almost wanted to cry from hearing such great, inspirational lyrics. "Yo, dawg, y-ya did ya thang, dawg! Ya did ya thing!"

The two hugged each other out of respect for a third time.

"Now den...back to bit'ness!" Jive Turkey stepped over to the edge of the building and pointed to a specific location, showing off all the glittering jewelery on his fingers in the process. "See dat over dere?"

"D-Da strip joint on da corner of Watson and Madison?"

"Nah, Ham Glock, ya foo'! Da junior high school! I'm smellin' a stupid amount of fruits an' vegetables comin' from over dere, yo! I want ya to go down dere an' destroy any vegetables an' whatnot ya can find! Capiche?!"

Ham Glock raised a nonexistent eyebrow. "Capiche? Yo, mah name is Ham Glock!"

Jive Turkey paused and waited for himself to calm down. "...Yo, I'm 'bout ta slap ya, yo! Just...get down dere an' bust a cap in dem foo's! Ya know how our leader trips when we fail, dawg!"

"Ya can count on me, dawg! I'll ice dem Sailor Senshi too if dey try ta interfere!"

Ham Glock ran to the edge of the building to leave, yet stopped and quickly flashed a couple of signs using his hands. Jive Turkey, somehow deciphering, threw up his own. Ham Glock got the message loud and clear. The giant piece of ham then leaped downward and toward its mission objective, although he quickly remembered one vital piece of info he had neglected.

"Yo, I can't fly, yo!" he screamed as he tumbled downward.

"Dat ain't tight, yo," said Jive Turkey, shaking his head. "His rhymes were weak as hell too. Ah well! Guess I'll practice mah own rap game while he's out doin' dat!"

The offensive rap music Jive Turkey had been blasting earlier was switched back on and the turkey began spitting verses left and right, much to the chagrin of the tenants who lived in the apartment complexes below.

"Hey man! Shut the hell up already!" said someone on a lower floor.

"Wat?! Dawg, ya tryin' ta stifle mah rap game or somethin'?!" Jive Turkey shot back.

The same person replied, "No, I'm trying to get you to shut the fuck up!"

Jive Turkey, annoyed, muttered, "Err'body's a critic, yo..."

* * *

Today was the day Manami Chiba had been dreading. The annual Scurvy Prevention Festival was underway at Juuban Municipal Junior High School. Despite the utter ridiculousness of the concept, the festival was both highly known and highly respected (for some reason) all throughout Japan, attracting regular civilians and rough, tough pirates alike. Taking that into account, the swarms of people fighting and stabbing one another for their dibs on the finest fruits and vegetables being sold by students wasn't too shocking.

There was one stand in particular where three girls were chopping up, boiling, and stewing carrots in a wholly deadpan manner. Who knew carrots were so boring?

"I'm bored," Manami Chiba declared, chucking carrot chunks into a pot. "Somebody do something so I'm not bored."

"You should try cutting yourself, Mana-chan! That's how I pass the time!" said Usagi Tsukino, who was gathering carrots to chop with thick gloves on her hands and a biohazard mask on her face.

"Usagi-chan, what's with the getup?" her friend, Naru Osaka, inquired.

"Because we're dealing with carrots, Naru-chan! Carrots are **toxic**! Carrots are **evil**! I'm not going to catch carrot cancer because of this dumb festival!"

"I can't believe you hate carrots, considering your name is Usagi and...!"

A glint of light flashed past Naru's eyes when Usagi held a sharp cutting knife up to who was supposed to be her best friend's throat. "Don't you...**dare**. Don't."

Naru gulped. "O-Okay, I'm sorry J-Just put the knife down!"

"Okay!" Usagi went back to her usual cheerful self just then.

"Yeah, I would be careful with that, Naru-chan. Usako was tricked into eating carrots one time when she was a little girl and it's scarred her ever since. Probably because her mom lied and said it was actually bucket of chicken," Manami explained. She then whispered, "Some say you can still see the blood from her victims entrenched within her fingernails..."

With widened eyes, Naru shot Usagi a glance of pure terror. Usagi, meanwhile, returned this with a simple, honest smile. Why that made Naru shutter and want to run for her life, she wasn't quite sure.

"How come Mako-chan and Ami-chan got to sell apples?!" whined Usagi.

"I know right? They've got the easy job, but we've got to sell stupid carrots to a bunch of smelly, drunken, and illiterate pirates who are probably the product of incest!" shouted Manami.

Perhaps she shouted a bit **too** loud, since a group of smelly, drunken, illiterate, but certainly not deaf pirates managed to overhear her.

"Ya want t' repeat that, lass?" said the Captain in command of the group of pirates who were less than pleased with Manami's less than kind words. He slammed his right hand on the carrot stand in protest, which happened to be a hook, before slamming his other hand, which also was a hook. In fact, even the guy's **feet** were hooks. "Who be ya callin' smelly, illiterate, and t' product o' me mom and 'er brother gettin' it on?!"

Manami, Usagi, and Naru inexplicably covered their noses. A foul, **very** foul, stench was literally punching them in the face right now and the three of them deduced that the pirate speaking to them was the source. Maybe it had to do with the reality that a majority of the Captain's teeth were missing, replaced with wooden ones, one made of gum, and even a penny. His gums had turned a pee-colored golden and his tongue resembled swiss cheese. Each and every breath he took was like having to endure a dog that had the aroma of crap constantly farting down your windpipe and the girls were certain their carrots would rot if they were kept exposed to such a deadly substance.

"Yeah! Who be ya callin' smelly and uh...those other thin's ya said t' us?!" a member of the Captain's crew demanded to know.

"Yarr! We oughta keelhaul ya lasses by yer Fallopian Tubes and leave you t' t' buzzards!" stated the Captain.

"Yeah!" the rest of his crew declared.

"Do ya think ya can talk t' us like that, ya scurvy wenches? Do ya know who we be?! We're t' most cutthroat crew on all t' Seven Seas, I tell ya! Yer testin' yer luck talkin' smack about us, ya hear?!" add the Captain sticking us bearded face directly into Naru's.

"WelI...I...um...!"

The Captain then grabbed Naru by the shirt. "Yarr! I said, did ya hear me, lass?!"

Naru could no long perform human speech and simply babbled something about needing a bathroom prior to putting herself in fetal position on the ground.

"Hey, you can't talk to Naru-chan like that!" Manami stated.

"Thank you, Chiba-san!" said a grateful Naru.

"Shut up, Naru-chan! I'm trying to help you!" Manami then turned her attention back to the pirate Captain, jabbing her finger at his face. "Let me tell you something, you scurvy sea dog...!"

The pirates and their Captain gasped at the same time because of the insult.

"Now, I came here today to sell you dirty, stanky, **nasty** pirates some carrots against my will! Did I want to do it? No, of course not! The mere thought of being around you people makes me want to hurl chunks, but here I am!"

"O-Okay, Chiba-san! I think you've said enough!" pleaded Naru.

Manami ignored her. "I came out here today because I would hate to see the fine men and women of this city raped and pillaged by salt guzzling scumbags like you!"

"Seriously, you're not helping anymore!" said Naru with a sense of urgency.

This time, Manami kicked her in the mouth. "I'm talking here! Now then, are you idiots going to buy some carrots, or are you going to keep wasting Manami Chiba's time, 'cause I ain't Sailor Pluto! I can't get these seconds of my life your eating up back! Do I look like I have a Garnet Rod?!"

"Yeah, it's right there," said Usagi, pointing to the mentioned rod that was sitting next to Manami.

"S-Shut up, Usako!" Manami hurriedly kicked it out of sight.

"Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! These guys are going to rape us for sure now!" cried Naru, curling into a ball again. "They're going to take our virginities!"

"Speak for yourself," said Usagi, who was filing her nails.

The Captain was beside himself with anger and surely his eyes would have been blood red if they were viewable behind his two eye patches. "Ya just sold yer last carrot, lass! Y'll be walkin' t' plank soon enough! Isn't that right, men?!"

"Aye, aye, Captain!" his crew replied.

"I can't hea-aaaa-ar you!"

"AYE, AYE, CAPTAIN!"

"O-ooooooooooo-oh!"

Manami was left speechless for a moment at this display. "O-Oh yeah?! I could take all you grubby pirates on with one tampon behind my back!"

The remark only served to perplex the pirates, rather than upset them.

Naru, quietly sobbing in a corner, muttered, "I'm...I'm going to be **deflowered**!"

No one was getting raped today thanks to what happened next. The lot of the pirates were suddenly beat into a bloody pile of bodies by someone who was familiar to both Manami and Usagi.

"You wanna try saying that again, bastard?" asked Haruka Tenou, who was holding the Captain up over her shoulders without much effort. "I couldn't quite hear you all behind the sound of your blood hitting the dirt! What were you going to do to Dumpling Head and her friends again?"

"Must you be so brutish, Haruka?" said Michiru Kaiou, Haruka's partner in crime. "Then again, I do enjoy watching you beat brutes like these down. It's quite a turn on."

"Yarr! Put me down, ya landlubber!" the Captain demanded.

Haruka replied, "If you say so."

The poor Captain wasn't exactly 'put down' so much as he was tossed halfway across the Earth by Haruka's strong arm.

"Good riddance," she muttered.

"Thank goodness. His stench was really starting to get to me," Michiru added.

"T-That was **amazing**!" exclaimed Naru. "T-Thank you so much, mister!"

Haruka nodded. "Sure. Anytime."

"Tch! **I** could have done that too!" said Manami, crossing her arms.

Usagi quit tending to her nails and finally looked up, shocked at what she was seeing. "H-Huh?! Haruka-san?! Michiru-san?! When did you guys get here? What happened to all the pirates?! Huh, w-why was I chopping up carrots?! Who **am** I?!"

Haruka and Michru fell on their heads.

"Haha, g-good to see you too, Dumpling Head. You're just as energetic as always, it seems" said Haruka behind a some chuckles. She then eyed Manami, who was glaring at her intently, and began jabbing at her bust with her finger. "Whoa! Are these real?!"

Manami replied, "Of course! All natural 'talent!' See?!"

She pulled up her shirt just to prove her point.

"Alright, alright! I believe you!" Haruka stated. "Oh, Dumpling Head, I nearly forgot."

Without warning, Haruka grabbed Usagi tenderly and planted a firm kiss on her soft lips. Naru dropped the knife and carrot she was cutting up in reaction.

"...Why do you taste like human flesh?" asked Haruka.

Usagi shifted her eyes about here and there. "H-How do you know what human flesh tastes like?!"

"Fair enough."

"Hold on one burger flipping moment!" cried Manami suddenly. "Usako is **my** girlfriend! Keep your filthy hands off of her, you damn, dirty ape!"

Manami, in revenge, laid a kiss on Usagi that took her breath away and made a blushing Naru gasp in shock.

"Oh, so **that's** how it is? Still, that kiss was weak. Let me show you how to **really **kiss a girl!"

Usagi was starting to resemble the town whore, as Haruna pulled her in close and kissed her as if she were ready to put a ring on it. An even louder gasp exited Naru's person upon witnessing this.

"Y-You call **that** a kiss?!" declared an enraged Manami, gritting her teeth against each other. "My mom kissed me harder when I was a baby! Come here, Usako!"

Manami grabbed Usagi by her long pigtails, whipped her head back enough to cause medical problems, and thrust her lips onto her partner's hard enough to fuse them together. This time, Naru could no longer withstand the steamy action and fainted on the spot. Even Haruka and Michiru were impressed, as their jaws dropped.

"M-Mana-chan!" Usagi melted into a puddle on the floor. "A-Am I pregnant now?"

"W-Well, I...can admit when I'm beat," said Haruka, still amazed.

"I'm not sure we were old enough to be allowed to witness that," added Michiru.

"Hey, is this chick here really your girlfriend, Dumpling Head?"

Usagi nodded at Haruka's question. "Yup!"

Michiru said, "To think you of all people would become a lesbian."

"Yeah, that's pretty surprising," Haruka said.

"Well, I had to be one since Mamo-chan became a girl!" Usagi stated.

For some reason, that sentence took a fair bit of time to work its way through both Haruka and Michiru's brains. The two of them glanced blankly at Usagi and Manami, trying to put the pieces of a seemingly impossible puzzle together.

"Okay, I don't know what you guys are talking about, but I think I'm going to go sell some carrots! I don't think I can take much more of this stuff!"

Fanning herself, Naru walked off to the other side of the booth. Meanwhile, neither Haruka or Michiru could utter so much as a word.

"What?" asked Manami honestly.

"You're...Mamoru? Mamoru Chiba?" said Haruka in disbelief.

"Yeah! What's so shocking about that?!"

"Only that Mamoru Chiba becoming a woman would be physically impossible," stated Michiru with a grin.

Manami frowned. "Don't be a smart ass."

Haruka suddenly grabbed Manami's face and inspected it closely, taking in every feature and every dirty pore. "You wouldn't happen to just be Setsuna trying to pull our leg, would you?"

"Why does everyone keep saying that?! Look, I'm not Setsuna, okay?!"

"Well if you says so," said Haruka. However, she then moved over to Michiru and whispered, "Let's just play along for now."

Michiru nodded in agreement.

"I heard that!" barked Manami.

Haruka laughed. "Okay, okay. Don't worry. We know you're not lying. As stupid and dumb as this is, we can just tell its you, Mamoru."

"Because of my devilish good looks?!"

"No," Michiru said. "Because you dropped your wallet with your drivers license in it on the ground."

"Oh." Manami took her wallet out of Michiru's possession. "H-Hey! Who took twenty bucks out of here?!"

"U-Uh...so, what are you guys doing here?!" asked Usagi quickly, doing her best not to make direct eye contact with Manami.

"Oh, Michiru has a fetish with cutting men's penises off and replacing them with carrots, so we just stopped by to get some of yours," explained Haruka in a casual fashion.

Manami and Usagi stared at her with a mixture of disbelief and horror.

"She's merely kidding," said Michiru, laughing.

Judging by Usagi's and Manami's lack of a response, they didn't believe her. In fact, they put up a 'Closed' sign in front of their booth to get their guests to go away. It was at times like these that Manami was truly glad she was a girl.

"Actually, we came here because we happened to see this in the paper..."

Haruka held up a newspaper that had the headline: "Sailor Earth saves city! Also causes over three million dollars worth of damages."

"Ohohoho! They even got my good side!" Manami stated haughtily, looking at the picture of her triumphant against the cow/bull/we're still doing this Youma.

"So that was **you**? Someone wanna explain?" asked Haruka.

And so, Manami and Usagi filled Haruka and Michiru in on all the stuff that happened up to this point, including all the things you already know about and things I see no point in repeating here because that's why all the other chapters exist.

Alright, fuck it, I'm lazy.

"And **that**'s what happened!" said Manami.

"...B-But you guys didn't tell us anything yet," replied Haruka. "The two of you just kinda...moved your lips around without saying anything."

"Let me take a guess: you, Mamoru Chiba, were transformed into a woman by Luna on accident after deciding that you wanted to be a Sailor Senshi like the rest of us and you were also given a Transformation Pen for reasons you've yet to discover that allows you to transform into the Sailor Suited Pretty Girl of Love and Justice, Sailor Earth."

"...Are you some kind of witch?" Manami asked Michiru.

"No. It's all written here in that article too, Manami," replied Michiru, as she pulled out the newspaper again.

Manami paused and answered, "So it is. So it is..."

"That's a shame though, Dumpling Head." Haruka suddenly moved over to Usagi and grabbed her face again as if she were preparing to kiss her. "I would have preferred for you to fall for me if you were going to 'switch teams' like this."

"But you're a girl!" Usagi retorted.

For a moment, Haruka wanted to respond, but merely shook her head and let it go, for the sake of her own sanity.

"I don't know why you're so surprised by this whole thing, Haruka," said Manami. "I mean, didn't the same thing happen to you?"

"Did the same what thing happened to me?"

"You know..."

Squinting her eyes, Haruka eventually understood what Manami was getting at and the latter shut her piehole after seeing Haruka was in no mood for jokes.

"I still don't understand how there could be another Sailor Senshi. Then again, I suppose some things are better left unquestioned. I doubt the writer of this tale even has a logical explanation for all this," Michiru said.

I don't.

"I know what you mean about leaving things unquestioned. I don't even bother with questioning Evangelion anymore...or the mental capacity of Jersey Shore fans."

"Y-You've become quite the character..." muttered Haruka.

"You've got that right! I'm the **main** character, darling! My name's on the cover of this thing, you know!"

It was becoming rather difficult for Haruka and Michiru to understand what Manami was saying, so they simply laughed at her remark while trying to find an excuse to get away from her, as she was beginning to grow on their nerves.

"Something is...amiss," said Michiru out of the blue. It appeared their distraction had arrived on schedule because she could sense the very familiar presence of a Youma nearby.

"I-If you're talking about that smell...I didn't do it," Manami muttered.

"No, I'm talking about..." Michiru stopped when a putrid smell breeched the walls of nose and she quickly covered it while attempting to not vomit. "Oh God, w-what **is** that smell?! I-It smells like someone ate crap, and then crapped that crap back out!"

Manami fanned her behind. "I-I might have had a burrito..."

Haruka, gagging, inquired, "H-How could one burrito do...!"

"Forty burritos," corrected Manami.

"W-Why?!" Michiru had to know.

There was no time for an explanation and that was probably a good thing.

* * *

Almost as soon as Michiru mentioned there was trouble, trouble arrived on the scene. It was in the form of Ham Glock, who proceeded to open fire on the confused and panicked guests there at the festival. The sounds of their screams were like a funky beat to the monster's ears and he knew there would be no better way to increase the terror in everyone's hearts than for him lay a couple of innocent people out. Thankfully for them, Ham Glock was a truly awful shot, placing bullets into anything but human flesh. He managed to hit a passing airplane full of passengers, a truck carrying a tanker of gasoline, and a rather crappy drawing done by a little girl for her parents, but nothing of real significance.

"Wat? Is dis thing busted or somethin'?" Ham Glock angrily banged on his gun in an attempt to fix it, though only managed to accidentally shoot himself in the foot. "Yo, this gun be trippin'! Screw it! Hey, all you worthless, pathetic humans!"

Although he was trying to get their attention, Ham Glock's efforts simply served to draw more people away from him.

"J-Jus' tell me where all ya'll fruits and vegetables at and I...!"

A little girl, crying and holding a teddy bear stepped in front of him.

"I want my MOMMY!"

Ham Glock's ears weeped from the verbal assault. "Yo, little girl, kill dat noise! C-Can't ya seem I'm tryin' ta put in some work here?!"

The wailing from the girl did not expire, but increase instead, along with the migraine Ham Glock was currently experiencing.

"I want my Mommy!" the girl repeated.

"Shit, I ain't yo momma!" replied Ham Glock. "Jus' tell me where da fruits and stuff are at an' you won't get hurt, yo!"

The last thing the little girl needed right now was to be threated by a giant piece of meat and her expression changed from agony to one of pure rage. Her foot then found its way into Ham Glock's knee, the recipient dropping and rolling around in pain as a result. Fully satisfied, the girl giggled and skipped away, much to Ham Glock's chagrin.

"Yo! Get back here, yo! I-I wanna a rematch!"

"Stop right there, Youma!"

Manami, Usagi, Haruka, and Michiru arrived on the scene, but they all saw that Manami's declaration was unnecessary because Ham Glock was in too much anguish to go anywhere. The Youma hastily got to its feet when he noticed he had company.

"Yo! Wat ya'll fine ass gurls want wit tha Ham Glock?!"

"D-Did you just refer to yourself in the third person?" asked Haruka.

"This one certainly isn't a handsome fellow," added Michiru, cringing.

Ham Glocks glaze turned a fine red at the remarks. "W-Why ya'll sistas gotta play a brotha like dat?! Yo, I was voted Best Personality and Looks at mah old school, yo!"

"We don't care about that crap!" declared Manami. "We're here to stop you from...wait, why are you here again?"

"Fo' yo fruits and vegetables, yo!"

"Oh...why?"

Ham Glock groaned. "Because, yo, dey **evil**!"

The explanation was lost upon the girls and they exchanged glances of confusion with one another.

"**F****ruits** and **vegetables**...? You start all this trouble for some measly fruits and vegetables?!" said Haruka. "Is this guy serious?"

"Yo, I ain't got time for dis! Ya'll bes' be rollin' on outta here wit ya'll skirts between ya'll legs, unless ya'll wanna die!" Ham Glock stated.

"Never! Don't think we'll let you get away with trying to deprive the fair rouges of the sea a proper diet of Vitamin C! Girls, let's go!"

"W-Wait, Mana-chan!" said Usagi urgently. "C-Can...can I eat this guy after we're through with him?!"

"Haha! Of course, Usako!" Manami assured her. "We'll turn this sucker into a plate of pork chops by the time we're finished!"

"Pork chops come from a cow, yo!" said Ham Glock. "I'm a giant ham!"

"You're gonna be a corpse in a minute, buster!"

"Can we **please** just get this over with?!" asked Haruka.

"R-Right! Girls, transform!"

"Uranus Planet Power...!"

"Neptune Planet Power...!"

"Moon Cosmic Power...!"

"Earth Power...!"

"MAKE UP!"

Ham Glock gasped in disbelief, as he was blinded by a brief flash of light. "Yo! Y-Ya'll da Sailor Senshi?!"

"That's right, you giant, salty piece of crap!" answered Sailor Earth.

"Aw hell naw! Ya'll dem jive ass suckas dat killed my two homies! Shit, I oughta lay all ya'll asses out for dat shit, yo!"

"C-Can anyone else understand what this monster is saying?" asked Sailor Uranus.

"I'm more curious as to how Sailor Earth can," said Sailor Neptune.

"I guess they're both fluent in stupid..."

"Tell me now, foul Youma, what are you scheming?! Who sent you?! What did a harmless banana or a bushel of potatoes ever do to you, huh?!" Sailor Earth inquired.

Ham Glock merely laughed at the inquisition, "Yo, dat's for me ta know and you to find out!"

"Playing hardball, eh? Don't worry, I'll have you squealing like a pig in a second!"

"Oh, I get it! Because he's a giant piece of ham!" exclaimed Usagi. "So, you're gonna make him 'squeal like a pig!' It's a pun!"

"Y-Yes, Usako, that's what I was going for..."

"That's so funny, Mana-chan! How do you come up with this stuff?"

Sailor Uranus felt a headache coming on at what she was being made witness to, while Sailor Neptune found herself incredibly mortified.

"I was supposed ta get rid of all the fruits and vegetables here first, but I think I'll smoke ya'll Sailor Senshi first!"

Ham Glock opened fire on his opponents, who all managed to scatter out of the way in time. Then again, he wouldn't have got anyone regardless because he was aiming in the opposite direction for some reason.

"Yo, da years of hardcore drug and alcohol use has ruined mah hand eye coordination!" he stated. "Stay in school, kids!"

"I'm ending this right now!" yelled Sailor Uranus. "World Shaking!"

Her attack split the earth open and an unknowing Ham Glock fell right into the crevice. Because he was so big (and juicy), he found himself trapped.

"Aw nah, yo! I'm claustrophobic!"

"He's afraid of Santa Claus?" said a puzzled Usagi.

"Yo, I swear when I get outta here, Ima...!"

A shadow loomed over poor Ham Glock, a bad sign of things to come. Sailor Neptune, crossing her arms and smiling the kind of smile a serial killer would do before gutting their helpless victim, seemed as if she couldn't decide to do with her catch. A chill ran down Ham Glock's spine, despite the fact it didn't even have a spine.

"Hello, fatty," Neptune said.

"Hey, I'm not fat! I'm just big boned!" protested Ham Glock.

"Is that so? Maybe if you didn't have so many of those heavy, tacky, gold chains weighing you down, you could actually free yourself."

"Woman, dis is a **style**! Don't be dissin' me like dat, yo!"

Pulling out her violin, Neptune asked, "Do you happen to know what this instrument is?"

"I know it ain't nothing ya can drop a sick beat to, dawg!"

"Is that so? I pity you, you ignorant fool," said Neptune coldly. Ham Glock couldn't help but note how he was beginning to freeze to death. That was pretty funny taking into account it was a balmy seventy degrees outside. "You know nothing of the arts. In your final moments, I will do you the pleasure of educating you before sending you to the fiery depths of Hell, Youma. Give my regards to the rest of your kind when you get there. Oh, and Queen Serenity."

"M-MAMA-AAAAA-A!"

Neptune, drawing her bow against her instrument, then shouted, "Submarine Violon Tide!"

A very classy tune played before the appearance of a green wave of energy. Ham Glock could only scream in terror, as the attack wiped him off the face of the Earth. With that done, Sailor Neptune put away her violin and sighed, just as Sailor Uranus walked up to her.

"Damn, Michiru. You really did a number on that guy!"

"Hmph. I allowed him to experience Heaven before I sent him to Hell," was Neptune's bad ass response.

"Where do you think he came from though? Weird looking guy. He smelled like rotten meat and collared greens too."

"I don't know, but it really does seem as though new enemies have appeared."

"WHERE IS HE?! LET ME AT HIM!" Jumping into the scene chopping her arms everywhere, Sailor Earth stopped and searched around. "W-Wait, where's the Youma?!"

"Don't worry. We won't be seeing him anymore," said Neptune with a smile.

"You fool!" Earth backhanded Neptune for her insolence. "How dare you kill the monster without me and without mentioning me!"

"I-I'm sorry?"

Earth smacked her again. "Sorry isn't good enough! This is **my** story! **My** name is on the cover! **I'm** the one who's going to eventually turn to drugs and alcohol because this thing blows up too big for me to handle without them! Next time, don't act, don't move, don't even **breathe** unless I'm there to make witty remarks about the situation! You got it?!"

Both Uranus and Neptune only agreed to get Earth to stop spitting all over their faces. Her face might have been pretty, but her breath sure wasn't.

"WA-AAAAAAA-AAH! Y-You guys really did kill the Youma!" said Sailor Moon. Tears were streaming off her face and Sailor Neptune had to pull out a fancy umbrella to shield herself and Uranus from them. "Y-Y-Y-Y-You promised you let me eat i-iiiiiiiii-it!"

"I'm sorry, Usako!" said Earth. "Q-Quick, someone give her your arm!"

"What am I supposed to eat now?!"

"I got somethin' ya can chew on, ya jive ass Sailor Senshi!"

Everyone shifted to Uranus because of how manly and butch the voice that had just spoke was, but she sure hadn't said that, as she waved her arms around dismissively. Perhaps the source of the disturbance had come from the giant turkey standing behind him. The Sailor Senshi jumped at his presence, as Jive Turkey whipped out a mic to speak in.

"YO-OOOOOOOOOOOOOO-O! Sailor Senshi! I finally meet ya'll suckas at last!" the turkey screamed. Annoying, percussion based music, accompanied by bad, filthy lyrics that I'm not allowed to repeat on this website began blasting from seemingly nowhere and the Sailor Senshi were forced to cover their ears. _"Yo, mah name's Jive Turkey, dat's no lie! I gotta mouth full of gold an__'__ it never speaks jive! I'm on a mission today, dat much is true! 'Bout to pound some Sailor Senshi all black and blue! These suckas goin' down, ya can bet on dat, son! 'Cause after dis fight, da Sailor Senshi ain't even gon' be one!"_

Instead of applause, Jive Turkey received a quartet of blank gazes his way for his rhymes. Even the series of spins and turns he had done during the rap hadn't received so much as a "Good job!" His beak twisted into a snarl, while the music accompanying him abruptly screeched to a halt.

"Tch! Ya'll a wack ass audience!"

"Okay, who is **this** clown?" said Sailor Uranus, pointing.

"He looks like an dreadful Thanksgiving Day parade float," added Sailor Neptune, giggling.

"Oh my God, did you hear that god awful rap?!" said Sailor Earth. Holding her sides, she was caught in a fit of laughter. "I mean, what did that last part even **mean**?! Ahahahaha!"

"Do you think we can eat him?!" was all Sailor Moon wanted to know.

"Can't believe dese Sailor Senshi are playing me for a foo'!" Jive Turkey complained. "Ya'll gonna regret dat! Ya'll might have taken down mah homie Ham Glock wit'out tryin', but ya best believe ya'll in for a world of hurt messin' wit me!"

"Ha! Like we're scared of a giant, eyesore of a turkey!" Earth proclaimed. "Are you supposed to be the ghost of one of Tupac's Christmas dinner's or something?"

Jive Turkey spat on the ground, willing to suffer the taunts of his enemies for a bit longer. Some dance moves were followed by him pulling out a bottle of vegetable oil. The creature then poured it over while lowering his head in a mourning fashion.

"Yo, yo, yo, I gotta give mad respect to all da soldiers that were offed by these Sailor Senshi," he utter. "Ya'll rest easy now. 'Bout to avenge each and everyone one of ya'll!"

"I don't think I can take much more of this," Uranus stated, shrugging. "I can barely understand a world this guy's saying and at this point, I'm convinced he has some mental disability. Let's just get rid of him right now!"

Jive Turkey's back was facing the opposite direction when Uranus jumped at him with the intent of punching his beak off. She got nothing more than a bunch of feathers because her intended target disappeared into thin air. Now on guard, those present searched their surroundings carefully, yet found no sight of a giant, colorful turkey that honestly should have been quite easy to spot.

"Above you!" Sailor Moon cried.

Uranus got of the way just in time, as Jive Turkey landed on the spot she had just occupied. She then lunged at it again and began tossing a flurry of punches and kicks. Every blow was avoided thanks to some smooth moves on Jive Turkey's part and the Youma grabbed his mic to bust out some more lyrics.

_"Yo, Sailor Uranus is pretty strong when she's in da groove, but let's see how good she is when she can't move!"_

The moment Uranus heard this, it felt as if cinder blocks were attached to every limb on her body. Unable to move even an inch, she toppled downward.

"W-What the hell?!"

"Still think mah rhymes are played out?" asked Jive Turkey, grinning.

"Uranus!"

Neptune's attempt to help out her lover was bested when Jive Turkey knocked her away with a silky smoove attack she never saw coming. He even moonwalked to celebrate.

"O-Okay then!" said Sailor Earth nervously. "T-This guy can really fight! H-How did he freeze Haruka though?! Were his rhymes that bad?"

Sailor Moon's stomach suddenly growled loudly. "So...hungry..."

An idea flashed in Earth's head. "Usako, you're still hungry, right?! You can eat this one! Go ahead!"

"R-Really?!"

"Yeah, d-don't hold back!"

Earth needn't say another word. Grabbing a knife and fork, Moon charged full steam ahead at Jive Turkey, imagining the Youma deep fried and served with a platter of glazed donuts and bacon.

"MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE!"

"Wat?! Gurl, you trippin'! I ain't no Christmas goose!" declared Jive Turkey.

"GET IN MAH BELLY!"

Even in her famished state, Sailor Moon was one hell of a fighter. Jive Turkey was having some difficulty dodging all the jabbing motions she was doing with her eating utensils. A misstep and he really would be dinner.

"Stop moving around so much!" Moon yelled. "You're just making me more hungry!"

"Fufufu! My plan worked like a charm!" said Earth, nodding. "There is no one stronger than Usako when she's hungry! She nearly tore my throat out one time because I tried to take the last meatbun during dinner!"

There was a crazed look to Sailor Moon's eyes, one that Jive Turkey didn't overlook or particularly like. The longer he resisted, the harder she went after him, determined to eat to her heart's content this time around.

"Sailor Moon, yo! Nobody told me yo culinary skills were so good!" Jive Turkey needed to act and act fast. He would have to employ all his smarts, resources, and possibly the best techniques at his disposal to get out of this one. Then, an idea came to him. "Yo, gurl, you see dat giant plate of porkchops behind ya?!"

Moon's tongue wagged like a dog's at this. "PORKCHOPS?! WHERE?!"

"No, Usako! It's a trap, you dumpling headed fool!" cried Sailor Earth.

Hook, line, and sinker; Jive Turkey had pulled the ultimate trick. There was no plate of porkchops behind Sailor Moon! There wasn't even any feathers for Moon to contemplate eating, but eventually give up because feathers just don't taste very good! Her heart practically broke in two at this revelation, while Jive Turkey hoped to use the situation to strike.

"Yahaha! I played ya for a foo', foo'! 'Bout to kill dat sexy ass now!"

"N-No! Gotta...protect...stupid...Princess!" muttered Sailor Uranus, who still couldn't move. Her eyes found their way over to Sailor Earth, who shockingly was busy playing a handheld game.

"Y-You stupid mother...!" Earth shook the handheld a few times in anger, oblivious to what was happening around her. "Dammit! Why can't I beat this stupid squid?! He keeps ripping V's clothes off!"

"S-Sailor Earth, you idiot! A-A little help?! Dumpling Head is about to bite the big one!"

"But I'm a girl now and..." Earth scanned up and exclaimed, "Oh shit! Usako!"

She wasn't going to make it. Running at Sailor Moon to save her, Sailor Earth knew she wasn't going to make it, possibly because she tripped over a rock on her way over. Nothing, nothing I tell you, could possibly save Usagi Tsukino now!

"Mercury Aqua Mirage!"

"Jupiter Coconut Cyclone!"

Well, I should have seen that coming. The two attacks ruffled Jive Turkey's feathers, just as Sailors Mercury and Jupiter landed in front of Sailor Moon and formed a brick wall with their bodies.

"Hey! I can move again!" said Uranus happily.

"Ami-chan! Mako-chan! Did you guys bring some food with you?!" asked Moon with an air of desperation.

Jupiter shook her head. "I think we were a little more busy with...I don't know, trying to save your butt!"

"Are you okay, Usagi-chan?" Ami helped Sailor Moon off the ground.

"I will be if you let me nibble on your leg!"

"Usagi-chan!"

"Come on! Just a little bit? All I had today was some smelly carrots!"

"Agh! Curses, yo! Foiled again!" said Jive Turkey in response to him being ambushed. "Yo! More Sailor Senshi?!"

"That's right, you jive turkey!" shouted Sailor Earth, with everyone behind her getting into position. "Your reign of terror has gone on long enough! We won't let you hurt anymore innocent orphans!"

"...He wants to destroy all the fruits and vegetables, you idiot!" said Sailor Uranus.

"Oh...well, we won't let him do that either, right girls?!"

"Right!" the others cried.

"Who's going to stop this Youma?!"

"We are!"

"Who's going to save the day?!"

"We are!"

"Who's not going to let some smelly pirates anal rape us after this?!"

"We ar..."

Okay, that was definitely taking it too far.

"Tch! More Sailor Senshi just means mo' street cred' when I kill ya'll!" said Jive Turkey. "Dis one oughta be fun!"

"Bring it on, turkey breath!" Sailor Earth exclaimed.

Will the Sailor Senshi be able to defeat the evil Jive Turkey?

Will Sailor Earth ever over centralize the story again?

Will anyone eventually question what happened to Sailor Neptune?

Will I be flamed for my lack of originality with this joke?

Tune in next week for the answers - same bat time, same bat channel!

END


	4. Act 4

Act 4: Enemy - Dark Meat Kingdom

Round Two was about to get underway. It was the Sailor Senshi versus a giant, colorful poultry by the name of Jive Turkey. Which force would prevail in the end: the teamwork of Sailor Earth and company, or the horribad raps of one Jive Turkey? It was too close to call, even for this author. Neither side wished to make the first move, waiting for their foe to do so in their stead. Silence took hold of the situation and the tension was so thick, you could cut it with a knife, with Sailor Moon doing just that and eating it. It was surprisingly well seasoned.

"You feelin' lucky, punk?" asked Sailor Earth, who was chewing on some bubblegum. She was confident, perhaps too confident. "Well, do ya, punk?"

Jive Turkey found humor in her words. "Should be askin' ya'll suckas dat! Ya think jus' 'cause ya killed mah other homies, I'm goin' down just as easy?!"

"Ah, but you **do** go down though?" replied Earth with a stupid grin.

"Dat's it!"

Just like that, it was on. Not one to simply take fellatio related jokes against his person, Jive Turkey charged ahead at blinding speeds toward his opponents. Sailor Jupiter attempted to head him off, but was easily tossed aside like a teen discarding a negative pregnancy test in the garbage. Uranus tried doing the same and Jive Turkey rewarded her with a few sharp pecks using his beak after he dodged her straight punch. With her out of the way, the Youma turned its sights to the loudmouthed Sailor Earth, who was egging him on to get closer.

"Haha! Kiss my ass!" she stated before bending over and showing her opponent the ass being spoken off. "Can't get me!"

"I'm 'bout ta shank ya in a second, gurl!" cried Jive Turkey.

"Not so fast!" shouted Sailor Mercury. "Shine Aqua Illusion!"

"Sparkling Wide Pressure!" said Sailor Jupiter.

"World Shaking!" added Sailor Uranus for good measure.

Jive Turkey hurriedly covered himself up, taking the techniques thrown his way without much damage. While the other Sailor Senshi were stunned by this, Sailor Earth instead found the moment as her chance to strike.

"Falcon Kick!" she cried, diving down on the enemy with her black pumps.

The rather goofy attack was avoided, yet Earth wasn't ready to give up that easily. Employing a punch here and a kick there, she had Jive Turkey on the ropes. Nevertheless, not a single one of her blows managed to actually hit anything and Jive Turkey jumped a good distance back to regain his breath, which coincidently smelled like cranberry sauce.

"Agh! That guy must be cheating!" Sailor Earth shouted. "Why can't I hit him?!"

"Maybe because you suck?" replied Jupiter, forcing back a laugh. "Why not try using that Earth Stick thing?"

"...Or better yet, why don't I try using my Earth stick against him?"

"That's what I just said, you...!" Jupiter wasn't sure why she had even bothered.

"Now now! No need to be jealous because I'm smarter than you, Makoto!"

"If you wanna go right now, I'll take you on!"

"Nah uh, because you'll just lose to my overwhelming 'talent!'"

"I will rip out your **ovaries**!"

"Are you two **really** doing this right now?!" asked Uranus in disbelief. "In case you've forgotten, we're fighting a god damn Youma at the moment!"

Sailor Earth's cheeks flushed with blood and she timidly replied, "S-She started it..."

"Haha! Ya'll Sailor Senshi are fallin' apart at da seams! Ya'll like some holy pants!" Jive Turkey was loving every minute of this girl on girl action. Now if only someone would take their top off. "I don't know why ya'll foo's think ya'll can take on da great an' powerful Jive Turkey! Let me explain somethin' ta ya'll!"

"N-No! NO! Just don't...!" Uranus began.

Too late. _"Yo, yo, yo, I'm __da__ star of __da__ show! Err'body know __da__t da__ Sailor Senshi blow! Dem girls ain't got style like me! __Wat__mah__ name is: I'm Jive Turkey! Word!"_

"Oh God, it's like nails on a chalkboard!" shouted Jupiter, plugging her ears.

"Someone just kill me now!" screamed Uranus in anguish.

That rap was so bad in fact, it actually caused Sailor Mercury to have a seizure and her body jerked and twitched around on the ground. Of course, no one bothered to come to her aid.

"Man, that guy is **good**!" Sailor Moon was really cheering Jive Turkey on, fully entranced by his dancing and suspect rhymes. "Do you think we could get him to perform at our wedding, Mana-chan?!"

Sailor Earth gagged on something upon hearing this. "N-Not if they don't legalize same sex marriage in this country and right now, I'm **really** hoping they don't!"

"Oh, ya'll like dem hot lyrics, dontcha?" said a totally oblivious Jive Turkey joyfully. "Wat about **dis** sick beat?!"

Well, everyone was relieved the giant poultry wasn't rapping again. On the other hand, the razor sharp feathers he had thrown at them was hardly better. Taken off guard, everyone took the assault head on, receiving cuts and gashes all over their sexy bodies. The sounds of his victims hitting the floor in agony was like music to Jive Turkey's ears. Wait, turkeys have ears, right?

_"__Told ya'll suckas; ya'll can't compete with me! Hehe!"_

"I-If I hear his mouth one more time!" Trying to find the strength to stand and shove her foot up Jive Turkey's posterior, Sailor Jupiter merely fell down again. "Dammit! How come nothing works against this guy?!"

"Y-Yeah, he's a lot tougher than he looks," said Uranus.

"I...just want some chicken fingers!" cried Moon, grasping her grumbling tummy. Her expression then changed to one of downright irritation all of a sudden. "I'm going to skin that asshole alive and then use his gastric juices as dipping sauce for stopping me from eating him for this long!"

Jupiter, Mercury, and Uranus stepped a couple of inches away from Sailor Moon for their own safety.

"That's the spirit, Usako!" Sailor Earth proclaimed. "Well...without the whole serial killer mentality and all. Anyway, let's get this asshole!"

The battlefield was illuminated for a split second and following the light came Sailor Earth's Earth Stick and Sailor Moon's Cutie Moon Rod. The two of them would finish off that old Jive Turkey in one fell swoop.

That was not a bird pun. Okay, it probably was.

Anyway, the two would have finished him off if it weren't for Jive Turkey having vanished from sight. The Sailor Senshi, all scratching their heads, hadn't the slightest idea where the plump bird had gone off to, but he was unquestionably nowhere nearby.

"I don't sense anything either," said Uranus.

"I thought Michiru-san was the one that sensed bad stuff?" Moon asked.

"Bah, it doesn't matter! I think she's been written out of the story anyway!"

"Her and that stupid turkey maybe," mumbled Jupiter.

Did Jive Turkey perhaps...fly the coop?

Yes, I have been waiting a long time to use that joke. Yes, I do realize it would be more appropriate to use it in reference to a chicken. No, I don't care about your opinion. Moving on.

"Okay, I'm bored now," said Sailor Earth, as she pulled out her handheld and switched on her Sailor V game cartridge.

Jupiter slapped the device out of her grasp. "Get serious!"

"Oh, because that's what we've been doing this entire story!"

"Could you leave the fourth wall alone for one second?! It's not funny if we constantly point out this is a story! That goes for you too, Mr. Narrator!"

I'm sorry, Mako-chan.

It all happened at once. First, a large stage decorated with glitter and multicolored lighting spawned out of thin air. Next, a figure rose up from a platform doused with rising smoke. Then, dressed in a white, jewel encrusted outfit that **had** to define the word 'tacky', Jive Turkey came into view. Inexplicable music started to blast throughout, just as Jive Turkey spun down the ramp of the stage in rhythm with the beat.

"Okay, even I've got to admit that's impressive," confessed Uranus.

"His clothes are so spiffy!" said Mercury.

"Look at those breasts!" cried out Moon with hearts throbbing in her eyes. "I bet they'd taste **really** good!"

"Spiffy? Who the hell says spiffy in this day and age?" said Earth. "Never mind that! What the hell is going on?! How can this stupid bird be upstaging me in my own damn story?! It's not fair!"

"Now you know how it feels..." grumbled Moon.

"Yo, Sailor Senshi! Welcome ta mah concert! I'm 'bout ta rock ya'll worlds!"

"Yay! 'Rock My World!'" Moon hollered.

"He's such a 'Smooth Criminal'," chimed Mercury.

"This a 'Thriller' to see!" said Uranus.

"These puns are really...'Bad'," added Earth with a grin.

"I'm going to kill you all if this crap keeps up!" Jupiter threatened.

"Thank ya'll! Thank ya'll fo' da kind comments!" Jive Turkey spun around a few more times to the delight of everyone but that sour puss Sailor Jupiter. "Guess yer opinion of me wasn't just...'Black or White!'"

"Oh come on!"

Uranus, coming to her senses, asked, "Who are you?! Who are you **really**?!"

"Hmph! I guess a formal introduction is an order befo' I destroy ya'll!" Ripping off his clothing (thank god), Jive Turkey leaped and landed in front of the Sailor Senshi, making them all jump back. _"Yo, yo, yo! Jive Turkey's da name and committin' evil__'s wat you'd call mah g__ame! Ya'll can't question my wisdom, 'cause I work for the Dark Meat Kindgom! Yo, yo, yo! Respect!"_

"Dark Meat Kingdom?"

"Dat's right, Sailor Earth, wit yo sexy ass! I think I've said too much though! Would ya'll do me a favor and die already? I'm a busy turkey, yo, and I got other thangs to do den screw around wit ya'll!"

Jive Turkey blew everyone back with a savage gust of wind from his wings. Unable to defend themselves, the Sailor Senshi then gasped when their foe rushed in for the kill.

"Deep Submerge!"

Jive Turkey let out a few high pitched gobbles when he was hit by a green orb of energy without warning. Then, the not dead and a character I totally **didn't** forget about, Sailor Neptune, reappeared on the scene.

"I ought to personally hunt down and kill every turkey in the world to prevent another mutant like yourself from being born!" she said ruthlessly, as blood leaked out an open wound on her forehead. "I swear, I'll never celebrate Thanksgiving again, Charlie Brown be damned!"

"Holy crap, Michiru, you're alive!" said Uranus. "Where were you?!"

"Sorry. I was trapped inside a fanfic where I was strangely paired up with Usagi-san. Don't ask."

"Now's our chance!" Jupiter declared. "Jupiter Coconut Cyclone!"

"Mercury Aqua Mirage!"

"You're gonna pay for forcing me to listen to your horrid lyrics, you Jive Turkey!" Sailor Uranus busted out her Space Sword and aimed it true. "Space Sword Blaster!"

Jive Turkey had only been just recovering from Neptune's cheap shot when his beak dropped at the sight of three more attacks heading for him. He was powerless to stop them and they slammed right into his keister, doing everything but finishing him off.

"That's because **I'm** the one that's going to finish this piece of shit off!" shouted Sailor Earth. Holding out her Earth Stick, she cried, "Earth Princess Halation!"

"Moon Spiral Heart Attack!" added Sailor Moon for good measure.

Sailor Earth's and Sailor Moon's techniques pierced the center of Jive Turkey's chest and the Youma let out a shrill series of gobbles in response. Was this truly the end for him? After busting so many rhymes and lyrics, was he truly going to perish at the hands of a bunch of sailor suited girls?

Probably.

"THIS WHOLE THING IS WH-AAAAAAAAAAAAA-ACK, YO-OOOOOOOO-O!"

The other Sailor Senshi braced themselves from a dazzling flash of light, unsure if they too would be killed in the ensuing explosion.

Don't worry, girls. I wouldn't kill you off. I'm not the directors of the anime, after all.

"I-Is it over?" asked Jupiter after everything had settled down. "D-Did we win?"

"Y-Yeah, I think so..." answered Uranus.

"I-I can't feel my spleen," said Mercury, climbing out of some rubble.

Neptune helped Uranus up. "Well, that was fun."

"I wish I could laugh at your sarcasm, but I'm one hundred percent sure I have a few broken ribs."

"Ribs?! Where?!" Sailor Moon startled everyone when she suddenly burst up from the remains of a fruit stand, unaware or just not too interested in the rusty nail lodged in between her forehead. "H-Hey! Where'd that chicken guy go?! I was supposed to eat him!"

"He was a turkey, Usagi-chan. And I dunno. I guess you and Manami got him," said Jupiter.

Everyone braced themselves from the most high pitched cry of despair in the world.

"Ah, Usako. If you're trying to blow out my eardrums, you've done a pretty good job," said Sailor Earth, getting to her feet. "Ugh, I can't hear anything..."

"Oh, Mana-chan, are you okay?" asked Moon.

"Am I gay? Well, yeah, I guess. I kinda hafta be now, considering the situation."

"No, I asked if you were okay!"

"Play? Play what? I got my Sailor V game right here!"

Moon's face reddened. "NO! I asked if you were OKAY!"

"Do I want a sleigh? No, I'm not Santa Claus, silly!"

Jupiter, smiling, said, "I have **way** more 'talent' than you, Manami!"

"No, you don't, Makoto!"

"Hey, how come you could hear that?!"

"Because **I** have the most 'talent' in this group!"

"Is it always like this with you people?" Uranus shrugged. "Well, whatever. I guess we defeated that guy, but man, that was too close."

"Yes, but at least that accursed turkey is out of our hair," said Neptune, sounding quite content with that fact "We can worry about anything else later."

"I guess you're right."

"Even though we almost died, I'm kinda glad that bastard showed up when he did," said Jupiter. "I don't think I could have sold another damn piece of fruit to those stupid pirates without snapping."

"What happened?" said Moon.

"They were harassing us and trying to ask Ami-chan and I out, but they were handled."

"Oh, you beat them up, Mako-chan?"

Jupiter shook her head. "No, Ami-chan just slit their throats."

The way Mercury smiled at her own 'good' deed made Uranus and Neptune shudder.

"G-Going back to that Jive Turkey guy, he mentioned something about a Dark Meat Kingdom. What do you all suppose that is?" asked Uranus.

"I don't care!" whined Moon. "I want some ice cream! Buy some for me, Mana-chan!"

Earth sighed. "I-I guess so..."

"I want ten sundaes!"

"Usako, the last time you said that, you ended up eating fifty sundaes and you got a bad tummy ache! Besides, that particular ice cream parlor won't let us go back there anymore because of what you did!"

"I-I didn't do anything in particular!"

"You killed a man and then used his blood for a topping on your sundae!"

"They were out of strawberry syrup though..." Moon twiddled her fingers together in embarrassment at the secret being revealed.

"Welp, I think that's our cue to get the hell out of here..." said Sailor Uranus, panicked.

"Y-Yes, we...left the sink on at home," added Sailor Neptune. "All of them."

"You don't want to join us for ice cream?" said Sailor Earth, not noting the looks of extreme duress on Uranus' and Neptune's faces. "I mean, I think there's another ice cream place nearby and..."

"NO!" replied Uranus louder than she meant. "I-I mean, no! No, w-we're fine. We're...uh...gonna go home and...uh..."

"Have lots of...after battle sex?" said Neptune slowly.

"Y-Yeah! That's it! T-That's what we always do after...uh...killing a Youma!"

Sailor Earth eyed the two suspiciously for a few moments, but eventually responded with, "Oh, okay! Have fun with that then! Hey, Usako, maybe we should do that from now on, eh?"

"Only if you get me seventy sundaes first!"

"T-That's twenty more than before!"

"And a giant lollipop!"

"And where the heck am I supposed to get something like that from?!"

"And a virgin to sacrifice to the gods!"

"...O-Okay, wait. I think that's a little out of my territory..."

Jupiter, grabbing her stress ball again, mumbled, "Idiots, the bunch of 'em..."

"Tell me about it."

Jupiter's eyelid twitched at the foreign, yet painfully familiar voice in her ears. She managed to block an attack from behind just in time, while a battered and bloody Jive Turkey continued trying to sink its beak into her throat.

"Y-You're still alive?!"

"Yo, I went ta Hell, but da devil said he didn't want me!"

"Well, that's not too surprising. I-I mean...!"

"This time, Ima finsh ya'll Sailor Senshi off once an' fo' all!"

"Freeze. You have the right to remain sexy."

Sailor Earth placed her Earth Stick directly against the back of Jive Turkey's neck. This wasn't too big a deal until the Youma realized he was surrounded on all sides by Sailor Senshi ready to bust a cap in his feathery ass. Gulping, he backed off Jupiter and chuckled uneasily.

"Okay, okay! Ya'll win dis time, but I **will** be back for dem asses!"

"I...hope you mean that in a strictly platonic, murderer way and not the **other** way..."

The lack of a response did nothing to make Earth feel better about her question.

"And just where do you think you're going?!" Uranus demanded to know. "We've got you surrounded! Now then, why don't you tell us some more about this Dark Meat Kingdom!"

"Okay, okay! Wait a minute! Yo, wat's dat thing in da sky up there?!"

Stupidly, everyone fell for the obvious trap and Jive Turkey used the distraction to first dance in celebration prior to running for his life.

"Kill ya later!" the Youma screeched, waving his foes goodbye

"H-Hey! Get back here!" Earth shouted. "I still don't see this thing you're talking about!"

"Dammit! He's not getting away!" said Uranus. "World Shaking!"

"Deep Submerge!" cried Neptune.

The attacks hit nothing but thin air; Jive Turkey was long gone.

"...That guy no sells attacks harder than John Cena," said Sailor Earth.

"I-I just noticed it when I saw his face from up close, but...that Youma sort of resembled my Senpai from my old school!" declared Sailor Jupiter, blushing heavily.

"What the hell did that guy look like then?!"

"I-I think we better look into this Dark Meat Kingdom some more," said Mercury. "Something about it makes me uneasy."

Neptune closed her eyes and replied, "I think you're right."

"R-Really? You're the first person that thinks so in this group!"

"Don't get too excited now. We all still hate you, Mercury."

"Yeah. Shut your pie hole for once, you chatterbox," added Uranus.

"E-Even you guys?" said a crying Mercury, who dug a hole in the dirt to stick her head in and escape her woes.

Neptune disregarded her existence. "We had best gather up the rest of the Sailor Senshi and inform them of what happened today. I feel we'll need everyone's help to defeat this new enemy."

"Okay! I think Minako-chan should have sobered up by now. Oh, but Rei-chan might not walk to talk to me after what we did to her carpet. She's so mean! She even got a restraining order against me and Minako-chan!" explained Moon.

Jupiter laughed halfheartedly at this. "I think I better go tell them, Usagi-chan. Besides, Rei-chan said she would pump some shotgun bullets into your chest if you ever came near her again."

The girls jumped in fright when something rustled behind them, everyone naturally assuming Jive Turkey had come back to ruin hip hop for them yet again. Instead, it was the Captain of the roughshod gang of pirates from earlier that had been arguing with Manami. Wounded, he crawled toward the Sailor Senshi for some assistance.

"Yarr! You lasses wouldn't happen t' have some carrots I could buy off ya, would ya? I have t' scurvy bad at t' moment..."

Sailor Earth promptly punched him in the balls and replied, "We're closed for today!"

"Yarr! Ya shivered me timbers thar, lass!"

* * *

Deep within an undisclosed volcano on the Earth lied a secret and hidden base made of molten rock and held together by tomato paste. It was so mysterious, unheard of, and delicious, there wasn't even a Wikipedia or TvTroupes article on it. It was within this deep, secretive place that a woman, who's red dress was made of sausages and other meats, turned her sights away from a large screen that was replaying the events that had taken place at Juuban Municipal Junior High only some hours ago. She was not pleased by what she was seeing. Nevertheless, a smile crawled its way onto her features.

Holding her pale arms up and pointing a jagged nail, she declared in a booming intonation, "The time of the Dark Meat Kingdom's rule on this lowly planet is almost upon us! Soon, everything will be within our grasp! The people of this planet will bow down to me, Queen Carniwhore, and worship me like a god! Yes, soon, we shall...!"

Jive Turkey was not listening. Standing below the woman who's long hair was strangely made of bacon, the turkey was instead rapping and dancing to himself. It was only when Queen Carniwhore's red, bologna colored eyes glowered upon him did he stop and hastily straighten up.

"O-Oh! Mah bad, Queen Carniwhore! Sorry fo' mah insolence an' wat not!" Jive Turkey fumbled with the controls of his boombox before finally getting it to shut off. "E-Er...w-what were ya talkin' 'bout again?!"

Carniwhore growled under her breath. "As I was **saying**...! We will eventually take control of this planet and rule it for all eternity, but not before those dreaded Sailor Senshi are out of our hairs! That Sailor Earth in particular is especially dangerous..."

"An' fine as hell, yo!"

"...I'm debating on defeathering you and eating you tonight for dinner, Jive Turkey! Give me one reason why I shouldn't!" roared Queen Carniwhore with the most irate expression.

Jive Turkey gulped. "Er...b-because, yo, I'm a good subordinate!"

"Oh really now?!" Carniwhore turned back to the screen behind her. "What am I looking at now then?! Because you were goofing off, you not only failed to destroy a single piece of fruit or vegetable at that human festival, but you failed to kill even a single one of those Sailor Senshi!"

"Er..."

"WELL?! What do you have to say for yourself, you blithering idiot?!"

"Y-Yo...Queen Carniwhore...! I...tried doh! I promise ya Ima shank da shit outta dem Sailor Senshi next time!"

"You say you're a good subordinate, but instead of following my orders, you seem more interested in improving your worthless rhymes and dance moves!"

"Yo, why ya gotta come at my raps like dat doh?" Jive Turkey replied. He then backed down when Carniwhore gave him that scary glare again. "L-Look, Carniwhore, baby, I-I jus' got a lil' sidetracked is all! D-Don't eat me, yo! I don' even taste good, fo' real!"

"Hmph! I wouldn't waste my fine silverware on the likes of you! Now then, I hope you understand that since you and your worthless Youma failed today, you'll have to pay the consequences!"

"Wat?! I-I don' wanna clip yo' nasty ass toenails again doh!"

Queen Carniwhore's forehead suddenly swelled with pulsating veins, as it seemed she really was going to kill Jive Turkey. As a result, the turkey began to shiver in fear and a white clump of...something fell from his behind. The sight (and smell!) of it only served to increase Carniwhore's rage.

However, Jive Turkey was saved when an explosion went off just then, blowing a hole in the ceiling. An individual then parachuted downward and into Carniwhore's chamber. The individual was apparently someone who hadn't ground Carniwhore's gears today because the sight of them made her ire fade away, even replacing it with relief. The person in question broke free from their parachute and landed in front of his queen.

"Sorry to keep you waiting," said the giant slab of steak that sounded strangely like David Hayter. He was decked out in green camouflage and had a gray headband around the meaty part that must have been his forehead. Saluting Carniwhore, he went on with, "I'm ready for the next mission, Boss."

"Ah, Solid Steak! Finally, someone around here who's competent!" said Queen Carniwhore with great pleasure and more to Jive Turkey than to Solid Steak. Jive Turkey merely smacked his lips. "Your timing is perfect!"

"Would you like me to blow up another orphanage, Boss?" asked Solid Steak obediently.

"No, we've switched agendas and are now destroying fruits and vegetables! It turns out that ruling the world by depriving orphans of their only home fetches little to no merit because no one cares about them enough! No, I want you to do something else."

"W-Wat 'about me, yo?!" pleaded Jive Turkey.

"You?! I want you out of my sight, you Jive Turkey!" Carniwhore screamed back. "If you can't make use of yourself by serving me loyally, you can go swab out all the toilets in the lair! And I have news for you: I've been suffering from terrible diarrhea all day!"

A long scream exited Jive Turkey's throat before he sniffled on down a hallway to do the job ordered upon him. Smiling, Carniwhore wondered if it was prudent to also inform Jive Turkey that there was no soap left anywhere inside the base.

"It's a dirty job but someone has to do it," said Solid Steak. "It's unfortunate that Jive Turkey is now on your...shit list, Boss."

"Hmph! Forget about that fool for the time being! Solid Steak, I want you to do something about those Sailor Senshi getting in the way of our plans!"

"Of course. I have just the Youma for the job." Solid Steak crouched down and switched on a radio attached to an ear piece. "It's showtime, Ramen Brutal."

**Another** hole was blow open in the ceiling, much to Queen Carniwhore's irritation. This time, a giant cup of ramen noodles parachuted down below and he and Solid Steak exchanged salutes.

"Ramen Brutal, ready for combat, Queen Carniwhore, sir!" said the tasty looking cup of ramen with face paint.

"I'm taking the cost to repair the damages done to the ceiling out of your paycheck, Solid Steak!" said Carniwhore, gritting her teeth.

"Affirmative," Solid Steak replied.

"Ramen Brutal! I want you to go into Azabu-Juuban and destroy any fruits and vegetables you come across! Leave no pea pod untouched and no cantaloupe unturned! Also, destroy those meddling Sailor Senshi if they get in your way! Understood?!"

"Of course, Queen Carniwhore, sir! Leave it to me!" answered Ramen Brutal in a very audible tone, so loud that a number of nearby windows shattered. "Mission...start!"

Letting out one more high pitch yell, Ramen Brutal was hyped and ready to go. He ran straight through a nearby wall, leaving an imprint, and toward Azabu-Juuban to crack some heads.

"Well then, if you'll excuse me, Boss, I have to go read a story where I'm strangely paired with an incompetent, but enthusiastic rookie with a great behind that may or may not actually be a love interest. Don't ask."

Solid Steak pressed a button and created a **third** hole in the ceiling with some explosives, causing rubble and debris to rain down. He then used a strange device to hover back up prior to disappearing all together.

Queen Carniwhore groaned, as a brick hit her atop the head. "You know, there **is** a damn door to this secret, underground lair!"

* * *

What better way was there to celebrate surviving an attack from a smelly piece of ham and a ghetto turkey than a sleepover? That's what Manami and the other members of the Inner Senshi thought, as they gathered at Usagi's place for a big ol' slumber party! Everyone was decked out in pajamas and the girls made sure to bring their sleeping bags to take into the living room, as most feared going to sleep in Usagi's room while Usagi herself was around to possibly nibble on an arm or a leg.

"Yay! Thanks for coming, everyone! Let's have a good time together!" exclaimed Usagi. She then let off a popper full of confetti to celebrate the arrival of her friends. "Rei-chan! I can't believe you actually came!"

"I didn't really have a choice in the matter," said Rei, scowling and crossing her arms. "Makoto dragged me here and told me you had bought me a new carpet, Usagi! I don't see a new carpet! Tch! I thought it was strange she also asked me to bring a sleeping bag and some pajamas..."

Makoto laughed nervously at this. "W-Well, I couldn't think of any other way to get you to drop the restraining order and come over here. Please forgive me!"

"Hmph!" Still bitter, Rei took an angry swig of orange juice out of a clear glass. "Usagi should be in jail for what she did the other day, not throwing silly slumber parties!"

"What did I do the other day?" asked Usagi, turning her head, puzzled.

"I dunno...you maybe committed an act of **cannibalism**?!"

"What does cannibalism mean?"

What was Rei thinking? Why in the world would she figure Usagi would get a word with more than two syllables? Going back to her drink, she just wished it were a bit stiffer to get her through the night.

"I don't think it was **that** big of a deal," said Manami, drinking a cup of ice cold milk.

"I disagree," chimed Ami with her head halfway shrouded by a thick book. "I mean, just eating that arm alone could probably get her a couple of years in prison, not to mention the fact that poor Minako-chan will most likely have to go through years of rehabilitation just to..."

"Aw, be quiet, Ami-chan!" Minako slapped Ami upside the head, causing the latter's forehead to bounce off the circular table everyone was sitting around. "Yer...hic...killin' my buzz!"

Almost as if she were a burly Irishman, Minako guzzled down an entire bottle of scotch in one gulp, exhaling loudly and belching afterward.

"There she goes again. Stinkin' lush," said Makoto, shaking her head.

"You smell like a bar, Minako-chan!" added Usagi, who had to press both her nostrils together to block the stench. "My Mom's gonna think it's me drinking again if she comes in and smells you!"

Minako waved the two haters off. "Psh! It's only...hic...a little booze! It's a slumber party; live a little! Ha!"

The girls then watched her pull out a flask of whiskey this time and she quickly tore into it without any regard for her appearance or health of her liver.

"Well, someone's already letting loose!" cried Manami. "Now it's a party! Pass me some of that!"

Minako replied, "No...hic...! Get yer own!"

"Well, aren't you a stingy drunk!"

"W-Wait...!" Rei's eyes widened, as she both pointed and screamed, "H-Her other arm...! It's **back**!"

Makato choked on the food she had brought to the party. "H-Hey! You're right! AH-HHH-H! I-I didn't even notice until now!"

"T-That's not scientifically possible!" added Ami, jumping back in fright.

"Hahahaha! Why are you all...hic...getting so bent outta shape?!" Minako inquired. "I mean...it's just an arm! I...hic...told ya'll it would grow back!"

Minako continued to giggle off the situation, while the others gazed at her like she were some sort of ghost possessing two working arms.

"Best...slumber party...ever," Manami whispered to Usagi.

"I can't believe this." Rei shook her head. "Nevertheless, this certainly isn't the strangest thing to happen in these four chapters."

"You all sure have a lot of energy tonight," muttered Luna the cat. Lying on Usagi's bed, she pressed her head further into the bedsheets to block out some of the noise, as she needed her beauty sleep. "I figured you all would be more concerned about the new enemy. They call themselves the Dark Meat Kingdom, correct?"

Makoto nodded. "Yeah, and for some reason, they wanted to get rid of all the fruits and vegetables we were selling at the Scurvy Prevention Festival today."

Luna's whiskers jerked at the news. "Destroy...the fruits and vegetables?"

"Yeah, maybe they're some extremist carnivores or something."

"It's just one idiot after the other," said Rei, discontented. "That can't be all they want. Who in their right mind would go around trying to kill produce?!"

For some odd reason, everyone turned to Usagi, who was struggling to open a pack of super sized, deluxe beef jerky. The odango-haired girl returned their gazes with a curious raise of her eyebrow.

"Well, whatever the case, we had best keep an open eye out for them if they strike again. I doubt this is the last time we'll hear from them," Luna warned.

"Tch! Who's worried about those guys?!" said Manami in protest. "We've handled all them suckas up to this point, so why should we be worried now?"

"I dunno, Manami. We **did** almost get killed today," said Makoto.

Ami added, "And this new enemy is still so mysterious to us. Don't you think...?"

Without warning, Minako shattered her glass flask of whiskey over Ami's skull. "W-Whoops! Sorry 'bout that...hic...Ami-chan! I must be **really** hammered! I thought you were this jerky boy that...hic...keeps rejecting all my love letters at school! That guy...hic...really gets on my nerves! Ami-chan? A-Ami-chan...? Hey, you okay?"

Ami was laid out on the ground with her eyes spinning and pool of blood forming under her. Her 'friends' considered calling an ambulance to tend to her, but instead decided that it wasn't worth the trouble.

"I'm convinced now you've all becomes dumber since Manami-san has been around," Luna declared.

Rei answered, "I was honestly thinking the same thing."

"Hey! I take offense to that! If anything, I've made this petty group better with my presence!" said Manami, who was shoving all Makoto's homemade food down her throat. "This is really good, Makoto!"

"That was for **me**, you idiot!"

"...Well, you should be honored my sexy lips touched your second rate food!"

Rei and Usagi had to hold Makoto back because she was about to tear Manami limb from limb. Smiling, Manami nearly winked at the gesture.

"Considering this is the group that defeated Queen Beryl, Queen Metallia, two aliens, the Black Moon Clan, **and** saved Crystal Tokyo, yes Manami, you obviously made everyone **much** better by joining the group," said Luna in a clearly sardonic manner.

"I-I helped in most of those fights too!" Manami put her finger on her chin. "Then again, I'm pretty sured I was completely drunk for most of those battles as Tuxedo Mask, so I'm not entirely sure."

"...Why are you even here?" groaned Rei under her breath.

"Hey! D-Do you guys...hic...remember that time we all got totally owned by the...hic...DD Girls? Aw man, Ami-chan was all like 'Oh my God!' and...hic...and the DD Girl that got her was like...hic...this!"

Minako reenacted the event by throwing a right hook, one that happened to sock Ami right in the face as she was getting up, knocking her out again.

"That wouldn't have happened if **I **was there!" Manami proudly stated.

"**You** were the one that nearly killed Usagi while being mind controlled for like the...seventy fifth time!" Rei informed her.

"Uh...well, I wasn't **really** going to ever kill Usako! And besides, everything worked out in the end, didn't it?!"

"You **died**!"

"We all died!" said Makoto.

"And then we lost our memories for a little while!" added Usagi.

"And then I got...hic...dumped again by some asshole!" Minako declared.

Manami struggled to find anything to say to all this. "W-Why ya'll bringing up old shit?!"

"I don't even know why we bother with you..." said an aggravated Rei.

Luna stated, "The same thing's going to happen unless you guys start taking the Dark Meat Kingdom seriously!"

"Kinda hard considering the last guy we fought," said Makoto.

"What do you think, Usagi?" asked Rei.

"I think we should play a game now!" was Usagi's response.

"I don't think she heard anything we were just discussing." Luna groaned, wondering if replacing Sailor Moon with some smart, less mentally handicapped girl was a possibility. "How can you still have so much energy after the battle you had earlier?"

"Considering Usagi-chan eats like twenty times her own body weight every hour, it's not too shocking," Makoto said.

"H-Huh? W-Where am I?" Ami grabbed her head, which was hurting her terribly for some reason, and glanced around her surroundings in confusion. "A-Agh! W-Why does my head feel like I had to hear Usagi-chan cry all day?!"

"HI, AMI-CHAN! Want to play a game?!" screeched Usagi at the top of her voice.

Her friend's remark might as well have been an explosion going off in Ami's throbbing mind. "O-Okay..."

"Let's play...hic...Spin the Bottle!" Minako yelled. "Whoever the bottle lands on...hic...that person has to kiss someone in the group! No wimping out either!"

"I don't know," said Rei sheepishly. "Things got pretty out of hand last time and I'm pretty sure one of us got Ami pregnant."

Ami blushed.

"Nah, I gotta better idea!" Pulling out a revolver, Usagi spun the barrel with a smile and added, "Let's play Russian Roulette! I heard it's pretty fun!"

The weapon made everyone gasp and Ami even hid under Usagi's bed from it, while Luna wrapped herself within a layer of sheets for protection. Minako just laughed.

"H-Ha! G-Good one, Usagi-chan!" said Makoto. "T-That's a toy gun, right?!"

"Nope! It's real!" Usagi popped a round in Minako's shoulder just to prove it. "See?"

"Aw! I got...hic...shot!" Minako found the wound in her shoulder absolutely hysterical.

"Ah! Where the hell did you get a real gun from, you idiot?!" Rei wanted to know.

"You'd be surprised at the prizes you get for winning the Sailor V game at Game Crown! Okay, I'll go first!"

Usagi placed the gun up to her temple, squeezed back on the trigger, and toppled over onto the floor as her brains splattered across her bedroom curtains. All the girls shrieked in complete horror and blood splashed onto their individual faces. There was a short silence where everyone wasn't sure what to say, how to react, or if someone should make a bad pun.

"Are you dead, Usako?" asked Manami, poking Usagi's lifeless corpse. "If you don't want me to eat up all the meatbuns in the house, say something."

Makoto walked over to the still smoking revolver and picked it up. "I-It's full of bullets! What kind of idiot plays Russian Roulette with a completely loaded gun?!"

"The same idiot that thinks playing Russian Roulette at a slumber party is a good idea to begin with!" said Rei. "S-Should we can an ambulance or something?"

"I think sugar is leaking out of the bullet hole," said Manami, pointing. "And a leg of chicken."

Suddenly, the door to Usagi's room was titled ajar and her mother's head popped in. She was about to complain about all the noise and tell everyone to keep it down before noticing the crime scene and blood everywhere. Without saying a word and with her eyes dilating, she slowly backed out of the room.

"Best...party...EVER!" said Minako, waving her arms here and there excitedly.

END


End file.
